6/27/09: Milestone!

Dear Dick Wolf:

Check this out!

15ddw

15,000 views!

Now, I don’t know if that’s a big deal in the overall blogosphere, but I think it’s pretty cool. And I’m guessing that a lot of those visits are from you, so thanks!

I often get hits from people searching for Chris Sarandon, as you can see. But I have to say, “20 ugly hamburgers” is a new one. I’ve never seen an ugly hamburger in my life.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know, and say thanks for reading. I’ll be in New York next week if you’d like to schedule an audition. Or have coffee with me and my mom. She’d totally be up for it. Let me know.

Thank you! Amen.

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Published in: on June 27, 2009 at 5:44 pm  Comments (1)  
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6/25/09: Two Legends Gone

When Kurt Cobain died, I was in Alice Springs, Australia. I was sitting outdoors at a cafe, and I remember someone saying, “Kurt Cobain killed himself!”…When Diana died, I was in the middle of a shift at The Wild River Brewery in Grants Pass, Oregon. The bossy waitress with the long blonde hair told us. I don’t remember her name…The day Johnny Cash died, I was driving to work and heard it on the radio. I immediately called my boyfriend at the time, the biggest Cash fan I’ve ever known. He had just heard also, and was in tears. During our years together, I heard him cry only four times. That was the first.

I was never much of a Nirvana fan, but Kurt’s death was a huge deal for our generation. Princess Diana had been a symbol of my childhood. Her wedding to Prince Charles was one of the biggest events of my young life. And Johnny Cash…well, what can I say? He was the Man in Black. A country music legend who was loved by everyone. I didn’t grieve for him the way my ex did, the way many people did that day. I was saddened, but at the same time I was happy that he was finally going to be with his beloved June, whom he’d lost just a few months earlier. Johnny without June just didn’t feel right – so he made it right. 

And now, Michael Jackson. Yes, I’m a Gen-Xer who grew up listening to his music (I owned Thriller on 8-track), and teaching myself to moonwalk (which I can do VERY well, btw). I bought the teen mags with his posters, because let’s face it – early 80’s Michael was HOT. I had a crush on him. My friend Bernadette had a crush on him. My cousin Erica had a crush on him. And I think if he would’ve just kept the nose he had in the Say, Say, Say video (and the hair and the skin tone), he might have even been hot until the day he died.

Which, sadly, is today.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t listen to his music much after high school. But when I was a teenager, he was there. Constantly. He ruled Casey Kasem’s American Top 40. I remember when Billie Jean was in the number one spot week, after week, after week. It was my favorite song at the time, and I cheered when Casey played it…Then there were the videos. No one danced in their videos like Michael did. Beat It, Billie Jean, Bad, Smooth Criminal – they hearken back to a day when MTV was good. And of course, Thriller. The indisputable iconic video of the 80’s (but I have to say, A-ha’s Take on Me is a close second). The first time I watched it, I just sat there, open-mouthed. IT. WAS. AWESOME. The most awesome video I’d ever seen. In fact, it probably still is, since I stopped watching videos about 20 years ago.

Yes, I mourned today for what felt like the death of my childhood. But what truly saddens me is how alone Michael seems to have been. He never found someone to share his life with. A partner. His June Carter Cash. His Ryan O’Neal*. He had his children, his fame and his legacy, but he seemed lonely. I know lonely, a lot of us do. It hurts. I can’t imagine dealing with intense loneliness yet being in the public eye every second of your life. I’m disappointed that I didn’t have more compassion for him while he was here.

I hope he’s remembered well.

MJ
(August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009)

*Also, R.I.P. Farrah Fawcett, whose passing today was quickly overshadowed by the news of Michael. An icon in her own right, I will strive for the rest of my life to have hair as fabulous as hers. Also, she RULED in Extremities. My thoughts to her family, friends and fans.

Farrah
(February 2, 1947 – June 25, 2009)

Published in: on June 25, 2009 at 9:06 pm  Leave a Comment  
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6/22/09: I Blipped You!

Dear Dick Wolf:

I recently discovered BLIP. It’s a website that basically makes you a superstar DJ. You search for a song, and if it’s on Blip, you can post it to your Twitter! And guess what? The Law & Order theme song is on there! Excellent! So, I blipped you.

You’re welcome.

P.S. I also blipped Concrete Blonde, so you’re in good company.

blipfm_lg

Amen.

Published in: on June 22, 2009 at 10:01 pm  Leave a Comment  
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6/16/09: TORTURE

Dear Dick Wolf:

Aarrgghh! So, my friend Jason issued another dare today. You remember the first one – the Bleunami Showdown? Well, this time he challenged me to do something much more nauseating than eating a greasy, two-pound hamburger. I had to sit through an episode of The Hills.

thehills

Actually, it wasn’t even a full episode – the challenge was two minutes. And I may as well have been flogged.

Seriously – who ARE these people? I don’t know any of them. Well, I’ve heard of “Speidi” – the Spencer/Heidi concoction. But only because they were on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here with two gals I work with, Frangela. And according to the ladies, Speidi is crazy. But honestly, all one has to do is sit through 9 minutes and 5 seconds of The Hills (I actually lasted that long) to figure it out. And the sad part is – people in Los Angeles are REALLY LIKE THIS. I’m not surprised you’ve chosen New York. Broadway talent vs. reality stars? Gee, let me think about it.

Anyway, I watched the latest Criminal Intent after it was over, to cleanse myself. And I have to say – I’ve always loved Jeff Goldblum, but he’s simply dreamy in this role. A tall, dark and handsome shrink-turned-cop? Sign me up. He’s single, right? If you could put in a good word for me, I’d appreciate it.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on June 16, 2009 at 10:27 pm  Leave a Comment  
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6/10/09: SVU Season Finale ROCKED!

Dear Dick Wolf:

I know this comes a week late, but I wanted to congratulate you on an AWESOME Law & Order: SVU season finale! Who saw THAT coming? I loved it. I’m a bit bummed that I won’t get to see hunky Ryan the technician anymore, since Stucky took him out, but I’m happy Stabler’s fine, and that both he and Benson will be returning next season. YAY! It was scary for a minute, but when I saw this tweet from Dr. Baer, I knew it was all good:

Baer1

He’s talking about Meloni and Hargitay, isn’t he? He is, I know he is. I haven’t heard any formal announcement on their return, but from what I’ve read – negotiations are going well. THANK GOD. I really don’t know if I could keep watching if they left. You’d have to come up with a pretty top-notch team to replace them. Here are the couplings I would stick around for:

* Sam Rockwell and Lili Taylor

* Daniel Craig and Rose McGowan

* Peter Greene and Cate Blanchett

* Liev Schreiber and Martha Plimpton

* Brian F. O’Byrne and Uma Thurman (Although that might be a tough one to pull off, considering O’Byrne’s uber-significant guest star role as Liam Connors – but you could make it work.)

*Jason O’Mara and Gina Yates (Yes, me. Although quite frankly, I’d gladly pair up with any of these guys. I think O’Mara and I would have killer chemistry, though. He reminds me of a college crush.)

Now, I realize that a lot of these folks are busy movie stars and probably hard to get, which makes the O’Mara/Yates pairing that much more appealing. I come cheap and you could probably land him for a good price. Ooh, and maybe you could hire Lee Pace to fill the hunky tech guy void! He’s recently out of a television show, and nice to look at. I know, this is a lot of information for you to digest. I’ll let you think on it.

Oh, but I did want to mention Dr. Baer again. I’ve been trying to get him on our radio show. He’s given me a nugget of hope…

GY1

Baer2

…but we haven’t managed to finalize anything yet. Maybe you could give him a call on your iPhone and encourage him to do the show? That would be great. You have an iPhone, right? I imagine it would come in very handy in New York. In fact, I’m going to get one before my visit next month. I already got a Flip cam, which you can expect I’ll be using for this blog soon. Maybe I’ll reenact some L&O scenes for you. In fact, maybe I’ll contact Jason O’Mara and see if he wants to do an audition video! I’m telling you, there would be chemistry. Trust me. Besides, we need a Law & Order: Los Angeles show. We’ve got plenty of crime.

Let me know if you talk to Dr. Baer. I’ll keep you posted on this end.

Thank you. Amen.

 

Published in: on June 10, 2009 at 8:41 am  Leave a Comment  
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5/24/09: CONGRATULATIONS!!

Dear Dick Wolf:

Well done! Not that I had any doubt, but Law & Order will be back for yet another season, and now ties the record (with Gunsmoke, but you knew that) for the longest-running series on TV! Twenty seasons! Woo-hoo!

Now, not to be a killjoy, but The Simpsons has been renewed for two more seasons, and y’all are neck and neck. So, you’re going to have to use your influence to push for at least ONE MORE YEAR. I know you can do it. Maybe you should challenge Matt Groening to a celebrity smackdown. Show him who’s boss.

Besides, how can I be on your show if it goes away? I look forward to many, many more seasons. Preferably accompanied by paychecks.

Thank you. Let’s chat soon.

Amen.

Published in: on May 24, 2009 at 4:22 pm  Leave a Comment  
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5/18/09: Don’t Worry, I’m Fine!

Dear Dick Wolf:

Just a quick note to inform you that I survived the earthquake. It was pretty impressive. Even my cat, who suffers from delusions of grandeur, bolted under the bed in fear. The official word is that it was a 4.7, which – if that’s all – has me even more worried about The Big One.

LA_earthquake_12-08

Perhaps you should put me on Law & Order sooner rather than later, just to be safe. Relocating to New York may be a matter of life and death.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on May 18, 2009 at 8:22 am  Leave a Comment  
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5/6/09: Off the Radar Again

Dear Dick Wolf:

Surely you’ve noticed that I haven’t been blogging much. It’s nothing personal, I’m simply swamped and exhausted. Working seven days a week for the past two years is taking a toll. A huge toll. I still adore you. I still want to be on your show.

What’s with the new chick on SVU last night? Is she permanent? I liked her. I know that McManus is leaving for good, so maybe she’s in.

If not, I’m still available for the job. Let’s chat.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on May 6, 2009 at 9:42 am  Leave a Comment  
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4/16/09: Life Lesson #141

How To Plan a Trip to NYC With Your Mother

ny11

(Via email. When she’s taking the train from one city and you’re taking a plane from another.)

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Mom: The train station is only .9 mile from our hotel! Which airport are you going to?

Me: I’m flying into JFK. I’ll get in at roughly 5:30 (pm). Just call me when you arrive and I can meet you in a cab at the train station!

Mom: I get there at 7:25. It’s close enough, I can walk.

Me: It’s a mile and it’s going to be dark! And you’ll have luggage! And you’re a first-time tourist! No way. I will meet you there.

Mom: OK, but it probably won’t be dark in July and I’m traveling light!

Me: I will meet you, crazy mom. Walk alone with luggage through Times Square at night? Would you let me do that?

Mom: Good point! I will meet you there!

Me: YAY! I love you!

Mom: The airport is 18 miles from the hotel, I just map quested it.

Me: It’s OK, mom. I’ll take a cab.

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Dear Dick Wolf:

Mom has decided to come to New York with me. I obviously need to sit her down for a Law & Order marathon before our trip. If you have any additional words of caution for her, please feel free to leave a comment.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on April 16, 2009 at 6:26 pm  Comments (4)  
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4/12/09: Church, Maple Bars, and Mom

Dear Dick Wolf:

Happy Easter!

easter

I don’t know if you celebrate or not, but just in case. I don’t normally celebrate anymore. Not that I shun Jesus or anything, but I’m not so much religious these days as spiritual. If I go to church on Easter, it’s more for nostalgia than anything.

You see, I grew up Catholic. I went to catholic school, wore the uniforms and everything. My mom has always wanted to provide me and my brother with the best of everything, so when we were growing up, she bartended like mad in order to earn enough money to send us to a private school, Sacred Heart Academy in Klamath Falls. She was also putting herself through college at the time. (Mom now teaches at Oregon Health & Sciences University, and still works like crazy. She also has a part-time job on the weekends working as a medical imaging technologist at an urgent care facility. She takes X-rays. As cool as this is, it proved somewhat troubling when I got bucked off that bull I told you about. She was the one who scanned me. Fun for her! But I digress…)

On Sundays, mom would take me and my brother to mass. We sang the hymns, recited the prayers, and shook hands with the people next to us and mumbled “Peace be with you” when the priest told us to offer one another a sign of Christ’s peace. This was the WORST part of church (drinking the fake wine was the highlight, even though I had to spout off the Act of Contrition first). I was shy and didn’t want to shake hands. It was especially horrifying when, as Catholic school students, we went to mass during the school day and I had to shake hands with the cute boys and stuck-up girls in my immediate vicinity. Even in church, they scared the hell out of me. I always sat next to my best friend Bernadette so, when the peace-be-with-you portion of the service came, I could shake hands with her first and try to trap her into a conversation, thus monopolizing her time and avoiding everyone  else. But Bernadette was a social butterfly and very good at the shaking hands thing. So, inevitably, she’d release my hand and move on, and I was forced to do the same. It was 30 seconds of agony.

But at Sunday mass, getting through the hand-shaking, and the rest of the service, had its reward. After leaving church, we’d walk across the street to Safeway and mom would buy maple bars for me and my brother. MAPLE BARS! They were so yummy. This was my favorite part of Sunday, and mom treated us every week. I don’t think she was intentionally bribing us to go to church, but it worked anyway. I looked forward to going. Not for the whole religious aspect of it, mind you…I mean c’mon, Catholics. No divorce? No sex before marriage? If I followed your rules I’d be a 36-year-old seriously neurotic virgin. Either that or I would’ve married the first guy my hormones went wackadoodle for and wound up stuck in the wrong relationship FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. And what’s up with confession? Do I really need to tell a priest my sins in order to be forgiven? Why does God need a middleman?…No, I looked forward to church because of the maple bars. And to this day, every time I have one – which isn’t nearly often enough – I’m transported back to Sunday mass with my family, and our weekly trips to Safeway.

If it’s any consolation, I still remember the Act of Contrition. Maybe I’ll dust off that puppy tonight, crack open a bottle of wine and have a maple bar. I mean, it is Easter.

Peace be with you, Mr. Wolf. I would totally shake your hand.

Amen.

Published in: on April 12, 2009 at 3:19 pm  Leave a Comment  
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4/6/09: I’m Coming to Town, Mr. Wolf!

Dear Dick Wolf:

Hello! Yes, it’s been a while since I’ve written. I hope you weren’t worried. I’ve been fine, just a bit overwhelmed. I know, I know, that’s standard for me, so I really have no excuse. Please don’t be upset.

Anyway, we have a lot to catch up on! Let me start with the most exciting development of the past month – I’m a radio celebrity! OK, maybe “celebrity” isn’t quite accurate, but I do have my picture on a radio website! Look:

lagenx

I know, I’m totally washed out. I look like a banshee librarian. But hey – if you need a dead body for a Law & Order morgue scene, I’m available.

So, as you may have gathered from the photo, the name of our radio show is LAGenX. We’re members of Generation X, living in Los Angeles. Pretty straightforward. My partners-in-crime are Jason Burns – actor, and Jeff Phillips – musician. We have goals, dreams and ambitions. We want to make it big in the entertainment industry. And living in L.A., we’re constantly THISCLOSE to someone, at any given moment, who could help make our goals, dreams and ambitions a reality. Yet we’re standing on the outside, looking in. So, to help alert the showbiz elite to our collective talent, we’ve launched a radio show. And for me, let’s be honest – by showbiz elite, I mean you. 

We’re on LA Talk Radio live every Saturday. It’s Internet radio, so you can listen in New York! 2pm your time. And please feel free to call in. LeVar Burton called the show this past weekend! Yes, we’re THAT big already. He talked about a play he’s starring in that opens this Friday called The Caterer. He’s returning to the stage after a 25-year absence! VERY cool. And get this – LeVar also asked me about…YOU! I’m not kidding! He thinks I’d be a great love interest for Jeff Goldblum on Criminal Intent! DIE! You don’t believe me, do you? I TOTALLY SWEAR. You can listen here. He mentions you at 20:14, but you should listen to the whole interview because he’s terrific.

So yeah, I’ve got LeVar Burton’s endorsement. Kunta Kinte. Geordi La Forge. Mr. Reading Rainbow. He’s pretty big time. Oh, and he thinks you should get on Twitter! (LeVar is HUGE on Twitter.) I agree. You should. I’ll follow you.

OK – more big news. I’M COMING TO NEW YORK! YAY! For my birthday this summer. It’s been a couple of years since my last visit, so it’s time. I’m excited because I’m staying right smack dab in the middle of Times Square! (Well, you know, in a hotel.) Which means I get to walk to Broadway and see as many shows as I can cram into a weekend. SO PUMPED. Also going to try to squeeze in a weekend visit to GMA – I love Bill Weir. He’s dreamy.

So, I was thinking, maybe I could come in for an audition on Monday, July 6th. It’s the day after my birthday, and would be a swell present. Think about it, OK? I should have some snazzy new headshots by then. Also, I’m a writer. It’s actually what I do for a living. So, if you’d like me to come up with a Jeff Goldblum love interest storyline spec script, just let me know and I’ll bring it to the audition.

Thanks! Looking forward to hopefully meeting you!

And again, sorry for the delay in writing. I’ve missed you. It won’t happen again.

Amen.

3/9/09: Board Game!

Dear Dick Wolf:

Big news! My Law & Order board game has arrived!

logame

I’m so excited I can hardly stand it. I haven’t read the directions yet, but it’s made for the 13-and-up crowd, so I should be good. Now, did you help create this game? If not, here’s a rundown of what’s inside:

First, there’s the board:

logame2

Looks pretty spiff!

Next up, the weapons/forensics/whodunit sheet:

logame3

Good mix of suspects! The Business Partner, the Gardener, a Crooked Cop. I especially like the Ex-Con Doorman. Good to know that an ex-con can still earn a decent paycheck at an upscale hotel. Too bad nobody told the guys from Shawshank. They probably would’ve preferred that to bagging groceries.

(more…)

Published in: on March 9, 2009 at 10:24 pm  Comments (2)  
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3/4/09: The Incomparable Queen of Country Music

Dear Dick Wolf:

I don’t know if you’re much of a country music fan. Growing up in New York, you may not have been exposed to it much. In fact, I don’t even think there’s a country station in NYC at the moment, is there? I couldn’t find one last time I was there. And the country music station here in L.A. always boasts about being the “most listened to country station in America.” Well, we’re market number two – y’all over there in the Big Apple are number one. So, if the number two market is the biggest for country music, that would lead me to believe that the number one market simply doesn’t cater to the hick crowd.

But me, well, I grew up hick. In a very small town in Oregon called Keno (last population tally: 1,059). One bar – the Whoa Tavern (my mom tended bar there), one supermarket – the Keno Food Center, one small store – the Keno Store, and Keno Elementary School, which went up to the third grade. After that, kids were bussed to Klamath Falls, a bigger city a few miles away. There was also a church, a florist, a small cafe, a pizza parlor that served sarsaparilla, a feed store, post office, hair salon, and a baseball field (I was on a softball team for many years and we practiced there). I can remember just three stoplights, although there may have been more. The Keno Food Center had a small arcade – I played a lot of Mario Brothers, Centipede and Q-bert. And the Keno Store had AWESOME chicken salad. And Jo-Jos! Have you ever had those? They’re dee-lish. Big fat french fries. Dip them in ranch dressing and you’ll swear you’re in food heaven.

Well, when I was growing up in this small town of Keno, my parents liked to listen to KLAD, the local country station. Being a child of the 80’s, totally in love with Simon LeBon and the rest of the Duran Duran boys, I couldn’t stand all that twangy crap. I would beg dad to change the station to KTMT, which played      Top-40 hits. The Bangles, Debbie Gibson, the Thompson Twins, Tiffany, The Cars…you get the picture. The COOL music. But he liked the country songs. So, when we were in the truck, I was forced to listen.

(more…)

Published in: on March 4, 2009 at 11:35 pm  Comments (2)  
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2/27/09: The 40-Day Challenge


Dear Dick Wolf:

Well, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, I’m practicing the art of discipline. The bad news is…I’ve given up Law & Order for Lent. 

lo

Now, before you freak out, let me explain. I’m not just singling out your show, I’m actually giving up TV as a whole. Not that I don’t love television, I really do. In fact, that’s the problem. I love it A LOT. And honestly, there’s so much more I could be doing with my evenings than sitting on the couch, drinking wine and slipping into my trusty L&O coma. I adore the coma, truly, but I have books that need to be read and writings that need to be finished. A stage play, a screenplay, a novel, a short story. I’ve started all of these and finished none. Heck, I have trouble just keeping up with this blog! And it’s because I come home at night and turn on the television. It has to stop.

Now, I know that complete deprivation is a bad idea. It’s like dieting. If you ban yourself from eating everything you love without a cheat day, you’re going to cave. Because when you can’t have something at all, that’s when you want it the most. So, my plan is this: I’m giving up television on school nights. But I will allow myself a 42-hour window – Friday evening at 6 p.m. to Sunday at noon – to watch whatever I want. I’ll be able to catch up on the shows I’ve missed throughout the week and clear out my DVR. This way I won’t feel tempted to cheat on the aforementioned school nights, because I’ll know that in a few days, I’ll be able to get my TV fix, guilt-free. This will keep me motivated to be productive. Also, I won’t have 6 weeks worth of shows to sit through when this is over.

So, Wednesday was my first TV-free day. What did I do? Well, the SAG Foundation program hosted a two-hour Q&A with screen legend and Hollywood icon, George Hamilton. Or, as a friend has deemed him, the tan vampire.

ghvamp

(more…)

Published in: on February 28, 2009 at 12:25 am  Comments (4)  
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2/22/09: GO, MICKEY!!

rourke2

That is all.

Published in: on February 22, 2009 at 11:34 am  Leave a Comment