4/1/10: R.I.P. Captain Danny Ross

Dear Dick Wolf:

I knew it was coming. I knew y’all were planning to kill off Ross on this week’s Criminal Intent. And OK, I’ve made my peace with it. But look, we’re talking about Bogosian here. He doesn’t do bland. Have you read his stuff? I finished Mall recently and DAMN. Dude is hardcore. Which makes me reeeeeally disappointed that he didn’t get a better death scene. If anyone deserved to go out in guns-blazing, words-flying, sweat-dripping glory, it was Ross. I mean seriously, my cat does a better pretend death scene than he got.

See?

So yeah. He deserved better.

I was actually tweeting at you during the season premiere. Did you get my tweets? If not, here’s how the evening went down…

(Pay no attention to my bad grammar.)

(That was the Ross death tweet.)

(Well, he is.)

Please don’t make it lame.

Thank you. Amen.

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Published in: on April 1, 2010 at 2:48 pm  Comments (2)  
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11/10/09: HAHAHAHA!!

Dear Dick Wolf:

Listen to this!! I laughed so hard!!

It’s from a comedian named John Mulaney, maybe you’ve heard it already. I hadn’t before today. It was sent to me by my friend Will, who gets an A+ for enabling me regarding my L&O obsession hobby. He has a groovy blog, too. You should check it out. He’s more consistent than I am about writing.

And seriously, the bit about the guy who won’t stop unloading crates? SPOT! ON! What’s up with that, anyway? HOW DO THEY REMAIN SO CALM WHEN QUESTIONED BY THE POLICE?! I’d be frozen. And then there’s the whole, “I gotta get back to work or my boss’ll kill me.” Hello?! The cops are questioning you, dude! YOU GO WHEN THEY SAY YOU CAN GO!

Oh, and how is it that everyone knows to ask for a lawyer, even if they’ve never been arrested before? Is there a civilian/police handbook I don’t know about? Please email me the Amazon link. I need to get my hands on that.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on November 10, 2009 at 9:32 am  Leave a Comment  

4/12/09: Church, Maple Bars, and Mom

Dear Dick Wolf:

Happy Easter!

easter

I don’t know if you celebrate or not, but just in case. I don’t normally celebrate anymore. Not that I shun Jesus or anything, but I’m not so much religious these days as spiritual. If I go to church on Easter, it’s more for nostalgia than anything.

You see, I grew up Catholic. I went to catholic school, wore the uniforms and everything. My mom has always wanted to provide me and my brother with the best of everything, so when we were growing up, she bartended like mad in order to earn enough money to send us to a private school, Sacred Heart Academy in Klamath Falls. She was also putting herself through college at the time. (Mom now teaches at Oregon Health & Sciences University, and still works like crazy. She also has a part-time job on the weekends working as a medical imaging technologist at an urgent care facility. She takes X-rays. As cool as this is, it proved somewhat troubling when I got bucked off that bull I told you about. She was the one who scanned me. Fun for her! But I digress…)

On Sundays, mom would take me and my brother to mass. We sang the hymns, recited the prayers, and shook hands with the people next to us and mumbled “Peace be with you” when the priest told us to offer one another a sign of Christ’s peace. This was the WORST part of church (drinking the fake wine was the highlight, even though I had to spout off the Act of Contrition first). I was shy and didn’t want to shake hands. It was especially horrifying when, as Catholic school students, we went to mass during the school day and I had to shake hands with the cute boys and stuck-up girls in my immediate vicinity. Even in church, they scared the hell out of me. I always sat next to my best friend Bernadette so, when the peace-be-with-you portion of the service came, I could shake hands with her first and try to trap her into a conversation, thus monopolizing her time and avoiding everyone  else. But Bernadette was a social butterfly and very good at the shaking hands thing. So, inevitably, she’d release my hand and move on, and I was forced to do the same. It was 30 seconds of agony.

But at Sunday mass, getting through the hand-shaking, and the rest of the service, had its reward. After leaving church, we’d walk across the street to Safeway and mom would buy maple bars for me and my brother. MAPLE BARS! They were so yummy. This was my favorite part of Sunday, and mom treated us every week. I don’t think she was intentionally bribing us to go to church, but it worked anyway. I looked forward to going. Not for the whole religious aspect of it, mind you…I mean c’mon, Catholics. No divorce? No sex before marriage? If I followed your rules I’d be a 36-year-old seriously neurotic virgin. Either that or I would’ve married the first guy my hormones went wackadoodle for and wound up stuck in the wrong relationship FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. And what’s up with confession? Do I really need to tell a priest my sins in order to be forgiven? Why does God need a middleman?…No, I looked forward to church because of the maple bars. And to this day, every time I have one – which isn’t nearly often enough – I’m transported back to Sunday mass with my family, and our weekly trips to Safeway.

If it’s any consolation, I still remember the Act of Contrition. Maybe I’ll dust off that puppy tonight, crack open a bottle of wine and have a maple bar. I mean, it is Easter.

Peace be with you, Mr. Wolf. I would totally shake your hand.

Amen.

Published in: on April 12, 2009 at 3:19 pm  Leave a Comment  
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3/9/09: Board Game!

Dear Dick Wolf:

Big news! My Law & Order board game has arrived!

logame

I’m so excited I can hardly stand it. I haven’t read the directions yet, but it’s made for the 13-and-up crowd, so I should be good. Now, did you help create this game? If not, here’s a rundown of what’s inside:

First, there’s the board:

logame2

Looks pretty spiff!

Next up, the weapons/forensics/whodunit sheet:

logame3

Good mix of suspects! The Business Partner, the Gardener, a Crooked Cop. I especially like the Ex-Con Doorman. Good to know that an ex-con can still earn a decent paycheck at an upscale hotel. Too bad nobody told the guys from Shawshank. They probably would’ve preferred that to bagging groceries.

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Published in: on March 9, 2009 at 10:24 pm  Comments (2)  
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2/6/09: Bleunami Showdown Pt. 2

Dear Dick Wolf:

I totally won! See for yourself…

The Bleunami Burger:

burger1

Here goes the first bite!

burger11

Not even breaking a sweat…

burger2

Oh look, first half is almost gone!

burger31

That was easy.

burger4

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Published in: on February 6, 2009 at 4:45 pm  Comments (1)  
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2/6/09: Bleunami Showdown

Dear Dick Wolf:

When you visit the sets of L&O, do you ever play games with the cast and crew? Not like Hide-and-Seek or Duck-Duck-Goose, but stupid adult games? You know, like seeing who can eat the most donuts from the craft services table, or who can say the alphabet backwards after a few mimosas? (I can do that, btw.) Maybe Chris Meloni does the whole, “Go ahead, punch me in the stomach! It doesn’t hurt! C’mon, I dare ya! Go ahead! OOH… haha! See? Didn’t even feel it!” thing.

Well, the folks in our office get caught up in these sorta games.

There’s web guy Mike, who swore he could eat 40 chicken McNuggets in one afternoon.

mcmike

He fell a few short.

Production guy Steve decided to give it a go, too….It didn’t end well.

mcsteve

Public relations gal Christina lost a bet and had to come to work dressed as The Black Canary.

christina1

And production queen Elizabeth made us throw a birthday party for Mr. T.

t-bday

I don’t have documentation of The Saltine Challenge, during which these wacky folks tried to eat six saltine crackers in a minute. Maybe next time…

Well, today I have fallen into the trap. Engineer Jason bet me that I couldn’t eat an entire Bleunami Burger from Islands.

burger

If I lose, I owe the office pie. I bring pie anyway, so I’m really in it just to prove Jason wrong. I may clock in at only 110 pounds, but I can eat. Mother Nature gave me a killer metabolism.

So, the challenge is on. Today. Islands. 2pm. Engineer Jason is going down. Just like that burger.

I’ll keep you posted.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on February 6, 2009 at 9:33 am  Comments (2)  
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1/19/09: Sundance

Dear Dick Wolf:

Are you at Sundance? My friend Josh’s girlfriend Fatima (stay with me) is there and she says she’s been hearing rumblings that you’re involved with one of the projects, and that you might be in the vicinity. See:

fattweet1

She tweeted me. Remember, I told you about Twitter? Oh, and those aren’t misspellings, they’re “creative abbreviations.” You’ve gotta condense when you’re on Twitter, because you only get 140 characters to get your message across. Brent Spiner put it best:

brenttweet1

Oh, he’s a clever one that Mr. Spiner. He’s only been tweeting for 4 days and already he has over 10,000 followers! See, you really should get a Twitter account. It’s a great way to promote this new project of yours. A lot of celebs are on it. Some are even addicted to it. I think Lance Armstrong needs a Twittervention. He’s ALWAYS on it. Posting pictures usually. I don’t know how he finds time to ride his bike.

So, back to Sundance. If an adorable little brunette comes up to you and tells you about my blog, that’s Fatima. She’s a sweetheart. Oh, and she also tells me that our guy Chris Meloni is there!

fattweet2

So, that’s cool! You and Chris are both there. And I’m here in California…sitting on the computer and telling you about my friend’s girlfriend who’s…there, in Utah. Hobnobbing with y’all at Sundance…while I’m…here. Huh. OK, well, I’m not jealous or anything. I mean, this is Hollywood. Maybe I’ll run into Vincent D’Onofrio in Whole Foods during lunch, or Courtney B. Vance at Rite-Aid. Or Sam Rockwell at Ralphs. Oh, wait a minute:

fattweet31

No, no I won’t. Because apparently SAM ROCKWELL is at Sundance, too! UNBELIEVABLE. And what’s up with bragging about how good he smells, Fatima?? That’s kind-of jerky. Yeah, so you’re at Sundance with my three favorite men in Hollywood. BIG DEAL! It’s not like you’re going to have lunch with them or anything…

fattweet4

Oh, sure. Now she’s trying to be all buddy-buddy with me. Whatever, Fatima! I never liked you much anyway.

So, Mr. Wolf, if this annoying little brunette comes up to you mumbling some nonsense about my blog, tell her to stay away from Sam Rockwell and get back home to her own boyfriend instead of hitting on mine! The floozy.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on January 19, 2009 at 8:34 am  Comments (2)  
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12/29/08: The Mamet Solution

Dear Dick Wolf:

Do you ever have those days when you’d rather be someplace else? Like, on stage, or on a movie set, but you’re stuck at your desk, say, editing audio? Or reading about the benefits of fish oil, for the 2,000th time?

My coworker Jason and I are actors. We’re grateful for our radio jobs – don’t get me wrong. We work for a terrific show that does a lot of good for a lot of people. But some days, planting one’s butt in an ergonomically incorrect chair and staring at a computer screen for hours on end just doesn’t fill the hole in one’s narciss creative, artistic soul. So, for days such as these, let me introduce: The Mamet Solution.

What is The Mamet Solution, you ask? Well, it utilizes some of David Mamet’s best lines, while allowing actor-employees to pretend that they’re not actually sitting at their own desks, but rather, starring in a production of Glengarry Glen Ross. It’s quite easy, really. You simply throw out random lines from the play, loudly and spontaneously. For example, you might be returning to your office from the break room with a cup of coffee. All of a sudden, you pound your fist on the desk and scream, “The leads are weak!” Or, of course, you could go with the more obvious, “Coffee’s for closers only!” For the full, cathartic effect, workers may quote both the play and the movie version. And you have to add an exclamation mark to everything. That’s the rule.

Here are some lines to get you started:

  • “You’re gone before I’m back from lunch!”
  • “Do I want charity? Do I want pity? I want sits!”
  • “You drove a Hyundai to get here, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. That’s my name!”
  • “The leads are coming!”
  • “You think you’re queer? I’m going to tell you something: we’re all queer!”
  • “When I talk to the police I get nervous!”
  • “You want to know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes BRASS BALLS to sell real estate!”

Those are some {ahem} tame ones. Mamet may not have coined the F-bomb, but he should get an honorary mention.

So go ahead, try it! Let me know how it goes. I have a feeling it’s going to be a rousing success at our office.

ggr

Oh, by the way, I still want to be on your show. I’m available for an audition at your earliest convenience.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on December 29, 2008 at 10:19 am  Leave a Comment  

12/5/08: Dann Florek vs. Bill Clinton

Dear Dick Wolf:

When I graduated from college, Bill Clinton was our keynote speaker. It was 1998, and he selected three commencement ceremonies that year at which to speak. Ours, at Portland State University, was one of them. He also gave the commencement speeches at MIT, and the United States Naval Academy. Considering the prestige of these other two institutions, I have no idea how our humble PSU fell into that trio, but my classmates and I were over the moon when we found out. It was pretty exciting! Since, you know, he was President of the United States and all. One that we actually liked.

I was also a radio personality at the time (this is relevant, pinky swear). I was part of the morning show on KWJJ-FM. They called me “Danger Girl” (highly embarrassing) and it was my duty to go out and do pseudo-crazy stunts. I did things like climb bridges, ride in a hot air balloon, co-pilot a small plane – I even rode a bull. Yep, a real bull. Stayed on for about 3 seconds before it bucked me off into a big pile of guacamole-colored bull dung. Seriously gross. And to top it all off, I had to wear a neck-brace after an x-ray suggested that I’d broken my neck. Turned out it was merely whiplash (the x-ray was confused by a congenital defect that had gone undetected up to that point – a bone that never fused properly…looked broken…I digress)…

Well, when President Clinton came to Portland to speak at our graduation, I was given a Danger Girl assignment – infiltrate his hotel room and deliver a KWJJ t-shirt. My radio show cohorts told me to say I was an intern, maybe that would help…It didn’t. I got as far the hotel lobby elevator before I was stopped. However, the security guard did take the t-shirt and told me that he would deliver it to the President, along with our note asking him to wear it next the time he went jogging. The letter also said that I was looking forward to hearing him speak at my graduation ceremony.

And of course, true to his reputation, he gave an amazing speech.

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Published in: on December 5, 2008 at 7:52 am  Comments (3)  
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10/5/08: The Buddhists Are Driving Me Crazy

Dear Dick Wolf:

I think my soul is doomed.


(Artist’s rendering of what might be my soul)

I’m taking Buddhism classes at the Kadampa Meditation Center here in Los Angeles. I’ve always wanted to be a Buddhist. I believe in reincarnation and karma and all that good stuff. And, you know, trying to be a better person. Well, I’m enrolled in something called The Foundation Program. It’s pretty hardcore. I’m learning all the classic Buddhist prayers and beliefs. Most of the prayers are chanted. At first I had a hard time wrapping my head around that one, but a friend of mine pointed out that the chanting is to help us concentrate on the words and meanings without distraction. OK, I’ll buy that. And honestly, anything that helps me concentrate is welcomed. When it comes to wandering minds, I won the lottery. Which means the meditation part of the program poses quite a challenge. Just tonight, when I should have been meditating on things like compassion, death and enlightenment, I kept thinking about how I wanted to get home and check my email.

So anyway, I think most of the concepts are great, but I’m having a hard time with a couple of them. Like the one that says we should “cherish” the people who treat us badly, because they’re opportunities for spiritual growth. Yeah, it looks good on paper, but c’mon…Or the one that says all pain is a result of the attachments we form. OK, I get it. If I don’t become attached to my car stereo, I won’t be upset if it’s stolen. But it goes further than that. For example, if we don’t get attached to our loved ones, it won’t hurt when they die. See, that one I can’t grasp. I had one guy tell me tonight that we need to get past our emotional ties to, say, our parents and our siblings, and just let them go when they die. And the way to do that is to not form attachments to them in the first place…WTF?! Then another woman said she keeps telling herself that someday her cat will die, in an attempt to become less attached to him. That way when he does die, she won’t be sad…So, let me get this straight. You have an opportunity to open your heart and love a creature that will love you back unconditionally, but you’re not going to let yourself because 15 years down the road, when your cat dies, you might grieve for a while – and you don’t want to deal with the pain…Is it just me, or is this NUTSO??

Look, I do get the message. Basically, suffering is all in the mind. If we reinterpret our situations, they won’t cause us pain. We’re responsible for our own thoughts, and thus our own happiness and suffering…The problem is, I’m very attached to my mom and my cats, and that’s that. And I seriously doubt that I can shower my coworkers who drive me bonkers with compassion and understanding, and consider them opportunities for spiritual growth.

So perhaps I’m not a good Buddhist.

Or – maybe I’m a rebel Buddhist! Yes! That’s it! I want to be a good person, and I’ll even chant, but I don’t have to cherish people who suck.

OK, I feel better about my soul now. I’ll go back to class next week and try to talk some sense into these people.

Thank you for listening. Amen.

Published in: on October 5, 2008 at 11:53 pm  Comments (4)  
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7/28/08: The Five Rules of Pseudocide

Dear Dick Wolf:

I learned something today: Faking your own death is called pseudocide. You probably knew this. I don’t have every Law & Order episode committed to memory, but I’m sure the subject matter has come up a time or two.

Anyway, a British man and his wife, John and Anne Darwin, were each sentenced last week to more than six years in prison for faking his death in 2002 (a canoeing accident) so they could collect around $400,000 in insurance payouts. You may have read about him in the news last December, when he walked into a London police station and turned himself in, telling authorities, “{Errr} I think I might be a missing person {derp}.” In fact, you may have already ripped his story from the headlines and I didn’t catch the episode. Stop me if that’s the case…

No? OK good.

Well, Mr. Darwin claimed to have no recollection of the five years he’d been missing-slash-dead. BIG FAT LIE! He’d actually been living at home with his wife for the majority of the time (although he did manage to score a girlfriend on the side). His scheme was going pretty well – his own sons didn’t even know he was alive. But police became suspicious last year after one of his wife’s colleagues overheard a phone conversation between the two of them and reported it. Shortly after that, Mr. Darwin miraculously returned from the dead. Then, just a few days later, a photo of him and his wife surfaced that had been taken a year earlier in Panama. Some curious soul had typed the words “John” “Anne” and “Panama” into Google images – and this came up:

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Published in: on July 28, 2008 at 10:39 pm  Comments (4)  
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7/22/08: An Open Letter to God

Dear Dick Wolf:

I owe you an apology. I placed an unfair amount of pressure on you by asking that you put me on Law & Order so I can get Sam Rockwell’s attention, meet him, marry him and breed with him, thus saving me from the chaotic ordeal of getting my eggs frozen. Shame on me. You are not responsible for my personal life (although I do believe it would vastly improve if I were on your payroll). Therefore, please allow me to use this blog to enlist the help of someone else. Someone who has almost as much power as you have…God.

You see, when I was a love-crazed teen, I made this pact with him. And I believe this pact is what continues to hinder my personal life to this day. Now, I’ve asked God time and again to let me out of this agreement, but I don’t think he’s heard my pleas. So, perhaps if I put my request in writing, he might stumble upon it as he’s perusing the Internet in his down time.

Thank you for allowing me to use this platform. Hopefully it will alleviate the stress my last post must have caused you.

Amen.

Dear God:

For starters, please don’t be mad at me for wanting to be a Buddhist. It’s nothing personal. However, that’s not why I’m writing…

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Published in: on July 22, 2008 at 8:15 pm  Comments (1)  
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7/16/08: To Freeze or Not To Freeze

I watched the SVU episode last night called “Inconceivable” (good one, writers) in which Janine Turner and her whacked-out husband steal a cryotank of frozen embryos from a fertility clinic as a publicity stunt, with the intention of returning them safely. However, the embryos aren’t returned to the lab in time and they all die. And unfortunately, for some of the women whose eggs were in that tank, it was their last chance at having children…Well, it got me thinking. I’m 27-38 years old, with no potential husband in sight – unless you count Sam Rockwell, but I need to get his attention first which, you know, I could do if I WERE ON LAW & ORDER!!! (cue dead horse beating) So, the gigantic, looming question is – has the time come for me to get my eggs frozen?

I went through this dilemma a couple of years ago. I read an article claiming that those of us in the “Bridget Jones Generation” should be freezing our eggs before it’s too late. Before we look back and realize that our best childbearing years have gone the way of the phone booth. This way, once we get around to having kids, we don’t have to fertilize our dried-up dinosaur eggs the old-fashioned way and risk having three-headed mutant offspring. Instead, we can have our still-old-but-usable eggs fertilized in a lab and implanted back into us, the way nature intended.

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Published in: on July 16, 2008 at 10:39 pm  Leave a Comment  
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6/29/08: Taken Out By The Mob!

 

 

INT.  LITTLE TONI’S PIZZA, NORTH HOLLYWOOD – NIGHT

A group of stunningly gorgeous people gather for a birthday party. Really – they shouldn’t be allowed to look this good. Even in Hollywood.

The tables are drowning in pizza and red wine. An intense conversation is underway.

RACHEL: “It’s DINK DINK.”
GINA: “No it’s not. It’s more guttural. DUHNT DUHNT.”
RACHEL: “No way. It’s not that low.”
GINA: “Look, I watch the damn show every day. I’m telling you, it’s DUHNT DUHNT.”
SEAN: “Gina’s right.”
RACHEL: “Oh who cares anyway! It’s a stupid sound effect.”
GINA: “STUPID SOUND EFFECT?! Are you kidding me?! It starts the whole show! It’s, like, the most important sound effect on TV!”

Suddenly, the doors of the restaurant burst open. Three men charge in, wielding big guns. They’re wearing g-strings over their heads to conceal their identities.

MAN #1: “There he is!”

(more…)

Published in: on June 29, 2008 at 11:44 pm  Comments (1)  
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6/11/08: Ripped From a Column On Page 17

Dear Dick Wolf:

Will we be seeing this on an upcoming CI episode? Could create a bit of suspense! Goren and Eames are searching for a kidnapped baby…a superstore employee sees something suspicious, reports it…next thing you know:

Goren: “False alarm. Looks like a burrito.”
Eames: “It’s huge. Chipotle?”
Goren: “That’s my guess.” (Cocking his head to the side, squinting his eyes, studying the burrito.) “There are fingerprints all over this thing. Obviously the woman who tossed it wasn’t too concerned with concealing her identity.”
Eames: “How do you know it was a woman?”
Goren: “Look here.” (Points to the top of the burrito.) “A bite’s been taken out of it. Check out the imprint of the second bicuspid. It’s almost the same size as the first molar. That’s a female characteristic.” (Smells it.) “Also, she smoked a Capri menthol light cigarette around 10 a.m. this morning. No man would be caught dead with one of those.”
Eames: “Think she could be our perp?”
Goren: “Nah. Whoever took that baby wouldn’t leave a trail like this. It’s sloppy.”
Eames: “Well, let’s hope they’ve left something behind.”
Logan: (Enters.) “Hey, have you guys seen Carrie?”
Eames: “Uh…wrong show, dude.”
Logan: “Oh – sorry.” (Exits.)
Goren: “We’re close. I can tell. We’ll find little Molly.”
Eames: “Yeah, I just hope she’s alive when we do.”
Goren: “I don’t get it. Why would someone throw away a perfectly good burrito?”
Eames: “Animal.”

 

Published in: on June 11, 2008 at 6:46 am  Comments (1)  
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