1/1/09: 2008 In Review, 2009 In Progress…

Dear Dick Wolf:

Well, 2008 is officially over. 

I started off the year with the resolution that I would write a book, called Dear Dick Wolf: My Year of Living Cheap in L.A. and Wooing a TV Icon. It was all about trying to survive in L.A. on $50 dollars a week, for the entire year, whilst, as the title suggests, wooing a TV icon (that would be you). I’d planned to write about my madcap adventures as an actor, my shopping sprees at the $.99 Cents Only Store, and cramming in as many free movie screenings as I could. Look, here’s the prologue:

As that all-knowing, elusive entity we refer to only as “they” say, the best things in life are free. Personally, I’ve never scored a bag of Cheetos or a bottle of vodka without having to fork over my hard-earned cash, which makes me think that “they” are sorely mistaken in this case. Either that, or there’s a lot more to life than vodka and Cheetos, which I find baffling. However, I’m an optimist, although eight years of living in L.A. – the land of Botox, boobs and BMWs – has started to wear on me. I mean really, do BMW drivers even know that their vehicles COME WITH BLINKERS?! Of course, I’m only guessing here. I’ve never actually seen one. But if I were paying $800 dollars a month to LEASE a car, I’d make sure the f***ing thing had blinkers. Yeah, that’s right! I’m calling you out, jackwad BMW drivers of Los Angeles! USE YOUR BLINKERS, SLOW YOUR ASSES DOWN AND STOP CUTTING IN FRONT OF THOSE OF US WHO’D LIKE TO BE AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO SEE RICK SPRINGFIELD MAKE A COMEBACK!!! But, I digress…

So, I’ve decided to give this whole best-things-in-life-are-free thing a shot. For the next year, I will live modestly, and seek happiness in the generosity of others. The kindness of strangers, Blanche. Yes, I realize this means I may have to engage in excruciating conversation with the lothario at the end of the bar to get that second dirty martini, but as long as the bartender coughs up an extra olive, I’ll deal.

I’m not doing this because I’m cheap, conceited or manipulative, I’m doing this because I’m BROKE. Try being a chronically single, thirty-something woman in L.A. (who can sell 29, pinky swear) with a monster mortgage and two high-maintenance cats to support. Not to mention that I’m slightly accident-prone behind the wheel and my “good driver” discount doesn’t kick in for another 30 years. Yeah, go ahead and laugh, BMW drivers. But the next time you think about cutting off a black, 1998 Jeep Wrangler Sahara with a redhead behind the wheel singing along loudly (and slightly off-key) to the country music station – think twice. I may be accident-prone, but I have a 100% drive-away record.

So OK, “they” – you’re on. Let’s see if you know what you’re talking about. If 2008 doesn’t turn out the be one of the happiest, most exciting, most gratifying years of my life, I’m suing.

(I should sue, by the way, but that’s a whole other Oprah.)

Well, the book was coming along. I didn’t write every day, but I was keeping up. I wrote about a couple of those movie screenings, my failed attempts at dating, my contempt for several of the Ten Commandments. Before long, I noticed a pattern emerge. When I had a bad day, I would come home and watch Law & Order. When I had spare time, I would watch Law & Order. The original, the spin-offs – it didn’t matter. Any of them. It was my little injection of happiness. Great writing, great acting, great storylines. Not to mention that I wanted madly to be on the show (hence my book, which, if I hadn’t made contact with you prior to getting it published, would certainly get your attention when it made the best-seller list). For years, I’d told myself that if I could have any role on television, I would want Diane Neal’s gig. Assistant D.A. Casey Novak. She ROCKED.

Then in April, something happened. Diane Neal got booted. I couldn’t believe it. Not just because I loved her character…but because my DREAM role had opened up! And rumor had it – you were looking for a new-comer. Well, being as “new” as they come (i.e., no film or TV credits), I knew I had to act fast. Thus, Dear Dick Wolf: My Year of Living Cheap in L.A. and Wooing a TV Icon became Dear Dick Wolf – the blog. I would wage an online campaign to become your next A.D.A.!

Granted, I didn’t get the gig. But the good news is – I’m not picky! Surely you can find another one for me. How about a guest star spot? I know you often cast actors who’ve been guest stars in recurring roles down the line. Just last night I saw the episode in which Courtney. B. Vance played the young Wall Street murderer, and look how that turned out! If I have to pay my dues and work my way up, I totally understand, and would gladly take a role as a dead body. I’d make a good one.

So, that’s one of my 2009 resolutions. Getting on your show. Yes, I’ll go the old-fashioned route and send my headshot and resume to your casting directors. Maybe my extensive theatre/non-existent TV and film experience will work to my advantage. But if not, perhaps you could cast me because…well, simply because I’m asking you to.

Via the Internet. In the form of a blog. Dedicated to you.

And because I’m a good actor.

Happy New Year. I hope you have a WONDERFUL 2009. I look forward to meeting you.

Thank you. Amen.


Published in: on January 1, 2009 at 4:50 pm  Leave a Comment  
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