12/29/08: The Mamet Solution

Dear Dick Wolf:

Do you ever have those days when you’d rather be someplace else? Like, on stage, or on a movie set, but you’re stuck at your desk, say, editing audio? Or reading about the benefits of fish oil, for the 2,000th time?

My coworker Jason and I are actors. We’re grateful for our radio jobs – don’t get me wrong. We work for a terrific show that does a lot of good for a lot of people. But some days, planting one’s butt in an ergonomically incorrect chair and staring at a computer screen for hours on end just doesn’t fill the hole in one’s narciss creative, artistic soul. So, for days such as these, let me introduce: The Mamet Solution.

What is The Mamet Solution, you ask? Well, it utilizes some of David Mamet’s best lines, while allowing actor-employees to pretend that they’re not actually sitting at their own desks, but rather, starring in a production of Glengarry Glen Ross. It’s quite easy, really. You simply throw out random lines from the play, loudly and spontaneously. For example, you might be returning to your office from the break room with a cup of coffee. All of a sudden, you pound your fist on the desk and scream, “The leads are weak!” Or, of course, you could go with the more obvious, “Coffee’s for closers only!” For the full, cathartic effect, workers may quote both the play and the movie version. And you have to add an exclamation mark to everything. That’s the rule.

Here are some lines to get you started:

  • “You’re gone before I’m back from lunch!”
  • “Do I want charity? Do I want pity? I want sits!”
  • “You drove a Hyundai to get here, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. That’s my name!”
  • “The leads are coming!”
  • “You think you’re queer? I’m going to tell you something: we’re all queer!”
  • “When I talk to the police I get nervous!”
  • “You want to know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes BRASS BALLS to sell real estate!”

Those are some {ahem} tame ones. Mamet may not have coined the F-bomb, but he should get an honorary mention.

So go ahead, try it! Let me know how it goes. I have a feeling it’s going to be a rousing success at our office.


Oh, by the way, I still want to be on your show. I’m available for an audition at your earliest convenience.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on December 29, 2008 at 10:19 am  Leave a Comment  

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