12/29/08: The Mamet Solution

Dear Dick Wolf:

Do you ever have those days when you’d rather be someplace else? Like, on stage, or on a movie set, but you’re stuck at your desk, say, editing audio? Or reading about the benefits of fish oil, for the 2,000th time?

My coworker Jason and I are actors. We’re grateful for our radio jobs – don’t get me wrong. We work for a terrific show that does a lot of good for a lot of people. But some days, planting one’s butt in an ergonomically incorrect chair and staring at a computer screen for hours on end just doesn’t fill the hole in one’s narciss creative, artistic soul. So, for days such as these, let me introduce: The Mamet Solution.

What is The Mamet Solution, you ask? Well, it utilizes some of David Mamet’s best lines, while allowing actor-employees to pretend that they’re not actually sitting at their own desks, but rather, starring in a production of Glengarry Glen Ross. It’s quite easy, really. You simply throw out random lines from the play, loudly and spontaneously. For example, you might be returning to your office from the break room with a cup of coffee. All of a sudden, you pound your fist on the desk and scream, “The leads are weak!” Or, of course, you could go with the more obvious, “Coffee’s for closers only!” For the full, cathartic effect, workers may quote both the play and the movie version. And you have to add an exclamation mark to everything. That’s the rule.

Here are some lines to get you started:

  • “You’re gone before I’m back from lunch!”
  • “Do I want charity? Do I want pity? I want sits!”
  • “You drove a Hyundai to get here, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. That’s my name!”
  • “The leads are coming!”
  • “You think you’re queer? I’m going to tell you something: we’re all queer!”
  • “When I talk to the police I get nervous!”
  • “You want to know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes BRASS BALLS to sell real estate!”

Those are some {ahem} tame ones. Mamet may not have coined the F-bomb, but he should get an honorary mention.

So go ahead, try it! Let me know how it goes. I have a feeling it’s going to be a rousing success at our office.


Oh, by the way, I still want to be on your show. I’m available for an audition at your earliest convenience.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on December 29, 2008 at 10:19 am  Leave a Comment  

12/11/08: Golden Globes Sound-off!

Dear Dick Wolf:

For starters, I must electronically whack E Online upside the head for their HUGE display of ignorance:


RAY Fiennes?!?! Oh boy. Where have they been for the past 15 years that he’s been racking up Oscar, Emmy, Tony, Golden Globe and countless other award nominations?! He’s even represented at the MTV Movie Awards, yo! UNACCEPTABLE. Now, I know that Ralph pronounces his name “Rafe,” and when you put it together with Fiennes (I’m surprised they spelled that correctly) it sounds like RAY FINES. But seriously – you are a high-profile entertainment news outlet! How about a little fact-checking?! Time to turn in your Hollywood card, jackasses.


Now – on to the rest…


Published in: on December 11, 2008 at 8:39 am  Leave a Comment  

12/8/08: My Blog is Snowing!

Dear Dick Wolf:

I can handle the cold weather, see:


I would be totally fine living in New York! You should put me on your show.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on December 8, 2008 at 8:37 am  Comments (1)  
Tags: , ,

12/5/08: Dann Florek vs. Bill Clinton

Dear Dick Wolf:

When I graduated from college, Bill Clinton was our keynote speaker. It was 1998, and he selected three commencement ceremonies that year at which to speak. Ours, at Portland State University, was one of them. He also gave the commencement speeches at MIT, and the United States Naval Academy. Considering the prestige of these other two institutions, I have no idea how our humble PSU fell into that trio, but my classmates and I were over the moon when we found out. It was pretty exciting! Since, you know, he was President of the United States and all. One that we actually liked.

I was also a radio personality at the time (this is relevant, pinky swear). I was part of the morning show on KWJJ-FM. They called me “Danger Girl” (highly embarrassing) and it was my duty to go out and do pseudo-crazy stunts. I did things like climb bridges, ride in a hot air balloon, co-pilot a small plane – I even rode a bull. Yep, a real bull. Stayed on for about 3 seconds before it bucked me off into a big pile of guacamole-colored bull dung. Seriously gross. And to top it all off, I had to wear a neck-brace after an x-ray suggested that I’d broken my neck. Turned out it was merely whiplash (the x-ray was confused by a congenital defect that had gone undetected up to that point – a bone that never fused properly…looked broken…I digress)…

Well, when President Clinton came to Portland to speak at our graduation, I was given a Danger Girl assignment – infiltrate his hotel room and deliver a KWJJ t-shirt. My radio show cohorts told me to say I was an intern, maybe that would help…It didn’t. I got as far the hotel lobby elevator before I was stopped. However, the security guard did take the t-shirt and told me that he would deliver it to the President, along with our note asking him to wear it next the time he went jogging. The letter also said that I was looking forward to hearing him speak at my graduation ceremony.

And of course, true to his reputation, he gave an amazing speech.


Published in: on December 5, 2008 at 7:52 am  Comments (3)  
Tags: , , , , ,