11/8/08: My Obama Bangs

Dear Dick Wolf:

I wanted to warn you that, when you bring me in for an audition (that’s happening soon, right?), I may not look exactly like my headshot. Why, you ask? Ummm…I cut my bangs. In support of Obama. It was my personal statement of change. Yeah, I know. Not exactly the change America’s looking for, but it’s quite a shock to the nation of Me.

You see, I had bangs until I was 21. Then I took a trip to New Orleans. Humidity level = catastrophic. I have naturally curly hair, so every time I stepped outside, my naturally curly bangs shrivelled up, transforming me into a poodle. Very embarrassing when you’re hitting the nightclubs, hoping to meet some dreamy southern boy (preferably with tattoos, a Harley, and a weak spot for redheads). So, after that trip, I vowed to grow out my bangs, forever ending the poodle curse.

Fast forward 15 years (ummm, I mean, 8…I can sell 29, I promise). My bangs are a distant memory. Oh sure, I think about them from time to time, when I see celebrities sporting them, looking adorable. Reese Witherspoon, Heidi Klum, Penelope Cruz. I think, “WOW – can bangs make ME look that good?” Then the cold hard truth slaps me in the face, snapping me out of it.

However, HOPE makes people do drastic things. In the midst of election day madness, I declared, “If Obama wins, I’m cutting my bangs tonight!” I don’t know why – it just seemed like a big enough message of change on my end. I WILL CUT MY BANGS FOR OBAMA! YES! I can always grow them out again if they look stupid. Also, they’d cover up the wrinkles that are starting to creep in – BONUS! As well as the chicken pock scar I always try to pass off as a BB gunshot wound. (This irritates my brother Nathan, since he’s the alleged trigger-finger…but it makes me chuckle.)

After Obama won Ohio, I prepared myself. It was in the bag! I hopped on the Internet and Googled “How to cut your own bangs.” I found some instructions, and was glad I did. It told me specifically what I shouldn’t do, which is cut them straight across. Of course, that’s exactly what I’d been planning to do. Instead, I was instructed to gather the desired bang parts together, twist them 3 or 4 times in front of my face, and then cut them about an inch longer than I wanted. This would ensure that the side pieces were longer, creating a layered look, and allow for inevitable shrinkage. Got it! Thank you, Internet!

So, I sectioned off my bangs and waited. Just after 8:00 p.m. (when the polls closed here in California), ABC called the election for Obama. Woo-hoo! I grabbed the scissors and didn’t even make it to the bathroom mirror before I started chopping away! It was so exciting! Of course I was bawling so I couldn’t see straight, but thankfully, the bangs turned out OK.

I go to work the next day, they’re a hit. I think, “Hey, this is fun! I’m back to bangs for a little while.” My mom is thrilled because I look like her “little girl” again. I don’t want her getting used to them though, because I doubt they’re sticking around…

Here’s where it gets complicated. Suddenly, people start referring to them as my “Obama Bangs.” Cool! But…wait a minute…ummm…uh-oh. OH NO! NOOOO! AARRRGGHH! How can I get rid of Obama Bangs?! It would be like taking back my statement of change! My presidential endorsement!

So, I’m sporting bangs. For at least the next 4 years. I have to. I owe it to America. New headshots will be taken soon. I just wanted to give you a heads-up. 

Thank you. Amen.


Published in: on November 8, 2008 at 5:30 pm  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Wow I can’t wait to see your Obama Bangs!
    Now I’m thinking what can I do for change.

    Dick Wolf should notice you now.

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