8/31/08: CLAMBAKE!

Dear Dick Wolf:

I know this is late notice, but if you’re in Los Angeles today and you don’t have plans, we’re having a CLAMBAKE! You know, like Elvis did:

At least, I think he had a clambake. I’ve never actually seen the movie, but given the title, I imagine that’s what happened. In addition to – and this is just a wild guess – singing and romancing the ladies. I ordered the DVD so we can watch it tonight if we choose to move the party indoors. There isn’t a lot of furniture inside said doors, but I’d let you have my chair.

We’re kicking things off around 2:00 p.m. It’s on the rooftop of my friend Nakisha’s apartment building. Seriously COOL rooftop. There’s a pool up there, and a hot tub. And it’s secure – a big wall runs along the perimeter so no one has a little too much sangria, slips on some tanning lotion and plunges to their doom. We also have equipment to play pool volleyball! Awesome! Did you play volleyball in high school? I did. I wasn’t the best one on the team, but I wasn’t bad. I have a pretty good serve. I can’t jump and spike very well, but in water that shouldn’t be too much of a handicap.

So anyway, let me know if you want to come. We’ve got plenty of food and we’re expecting about 60 people, so you can network if you’d like. I’ll even do a monologue for you!

In case you misplaced the headshot I sent, my phone number is 818-636-1439. Call me and I’ll give you parking instructions.

Don’t forget your swimsuit!

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Published in: on August 31, 2008 at 11:46 am  Leave a Comment  
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8/23/08: I Have Very Cooperative Taste Buds

Dear Dick Wolf:

So, I recorded my expenses today, since the government is making me, and it dawned on me – I’d be a breeze to work with when it comes to craft services. Here’s today’s menu:

* Bag of Cheez-Its from vending machine for breakfast: $.75 cents
* Bag of almonds from the $.99 Cents Only Store: $.99 cents
* Corn tortilla quesadilla with avocado and salsa: $1.98 (I made it at home!)
* Icky steak burrito from vending machine (worked a double shift today. FYI: I only ate the insides, not the gummy tortilla): $1.50
* Baked cheddar goldfish and raw Brazilian nuts I stole from a coworker: FREE

So that’s it. That’s what I ate today. Now, that’s not all I bought. I actually spent $40 bucks at the $.99 Cents Only Store. That’s my favorite place, btw. I don’t know if Heaven exists, but I believe in the $.99 Cents Only Store. I go there every Saturday. Well, I didn’t go last Saturday because my face was bandaged and I would’ve frightened people. But today was a free for all and I came home with bags and bags of stuff. Soy milk, bran flakes, tomatoes, cheese…and nine avocados! You get 3 for $.99 cents so I bought nine. I usually eat one a day. They’re small though, so I won’t turn into a fatwad.

Anyway, my point is – I’m easy to please when it comes to food. The only thing I won’t eat is black licorice. ICK!

I hate that junk. But that’s all. So, you’d never hear me complaining about craft services.

Just one more perk when putting me on payroll.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on August 24, 2008 at 1:52 am  Leave a Comment  
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8/22/08: Lost AND Found

Dear Dick Wolf:

I see you have another show in the works!

Dick Wolf to Develop Lost and Found

Law & Order creator Dick Wolf will develop Lost and Found, a new series for the NBC network.

The show is about a Los Angeles detective who is banished to work with anonymous victims, as a result of her constant run-ins with her superiors.

Chris Levinson, who has worked with Wolf on the Law & Order franchise, will be writing the pilot episode.

Congratulations! Don’t worry, I’m not going to beg you for a job. My goal, as you know, is Law & Order.  (Right now I’m watching the SVU episode Futility with Fred Savage. Well, I’m not really watching it so much as I have it on in the background. I find it comforting. Like a security blanket. Oooh! Just heard the DUHNT DUHNT!)

I notice you’re using the word “and” instead of the ampersand for this new show. I’m kinda partial to the ampersand, but I get it. You’ve been there, done that. Time to make some changes. I suppose you could go all slang and call it Lost-n-Found, but that’s a little hokey. The show sounds pretty intense, so I think you made the right decision by sticking to tradition and using the actual word.

Now, this chick who has the run-ins with her superiors – you know who would be GREAT? Lili Taylor! She kicks ass and it sounds like a perfect role for her. Just in case you’re looking for suggestions.

OK, I have to go. A census guy just came by and dropped off a booklet. It seems I must account for every penny I spend over the next week, to help the government “learn about the buying habits of people in the United States” – that’s what it says on the cover. Seriously – I have to record everything.

This could get embarrassing.

Published in: on August 22, 2008 at 9:05 pm  Leave a Comment  
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8/21/08: Fans Still Clamoring for Casey!

Dear Dick Wolf:

Look, I know you’ve already made up your mind about this new McManus chick, but if she doesn’t work out, and you find another role for me, I’m on board the “Bring Casey Back” bus. She was awesome.

That’s all for today. The Vicodin has kicked in.

XOXO

Published in: on August 21, 2008 at 10:06 am  Leave a Comment  
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8/17/08: Drudge, Rhinoplasty and Celebrity Defense Attorneys

Dear Dick Wolf:

I have no idea where the time goes. It simply goes. Trust me when I say my lack of blogging isn’t meant to be an outright display of laziness, for I enjoy writing to you. It’s a way for you to get to know me before you hire me, thus sparing you the “Tell me a little about yourself…” portion of the audition process. However, the vanishing of days has been at an all-time high as of late. I have flashes of what I’ve been doing – working three jobs (one of them full-time), memorizing lines for a new class scene, rehearsing, reading The Drudge Report. I know, I know – why am I, a crazy left-wing liberal whose beliefs may someday single-handedly cause the complete deterioration of our just and moral American society, reading Drudge? Ummm…I like the layout. And he digs up great offbeat stories. And he’s uberfast with breaking news. (And I like to start my sentences with the word “and”…) We may not have the same political ideology, but hey – I give credit where credit is due. Yes, my mom hates that he’s my homepage, but we still manage to coexist.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you something – I met Tom Mesereau today (DUHNT DUHNT)! You may remember him from the Michael Jackson molestation trial and the Robert Blake murder trial, to name two of the high-profile ones. Now, it’s not every day that I find myself chatting with a criminal defense attorney, and regardless of how I feel about either of those cases (not that I followed them enough to feel much of anything), he seems to be a pretty cool guy.

(more…)

Published in: on August 17, 2008 at 8:14 pm  Leave a Comment  
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8/8/08: Olympics!

Dear Dick Wolf:

Did you watch the opening ceremony? It was pretty cool. Although, after observing yet again how disciplined and spiritual the Chinese are, I feel as though I need step up my game as a contributing member of society. So, I’m listening to Kitaro and    re-reading How To Solve Our Human Problems. I hope to generate a few ideas by morning.

On a different yet equally important note, if the Olympics gave medals for athlete hotness (the men, I mean), it would go something like this:

BRONZE: Canada
SILVER: Jamaica
GOLD: Ecuador

Brazil, Belgium, Greece and Macedonia get honorable mentions. Don’t get upset that I didn’t include the U.S., I took us out of the running. Didn’t want to seem biased.

Thank you. And as Confucius said: “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”

Ummm…I would love to be on your show.

Amen.

Published in: on August 8, 2008 at 11:00 pm  Leave a Comment  
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8/5/08: My Almost Big Break!

Dear Dick Wolf:

I have LOOD!! Does that count?!?!

Tuesday, Aug. 5, 2008, 8:23 AM Pacific

CASTING:
LAW & ORDER (Extras)
Episodic SAG
RATE: SAG BACKGROUND SCALE
Casting Director: Ali Merhi
Shoot/Call Date: 8/13- 8/22
Location: Manhattan

[MEN AND WOMEN WITH MENTAL DISABILITIES]
For an upcoming episode of Law & Order. It will kick off with a disabled man helping them solve a crime. We are looking for individuals who would be interested in doing background work on the show. We are looking for people who can portray members of a group home with down syndrome & learning disabilities. We will shoot between Aug. 13 – Aug. 22 2008 for a possibility of one or two days of work.

Ugh! I’m having surgery on the 15th, otherwise I would sooo be there! Next time, OK?

Thank you! Amen.

 

(more…)

Published in: on August 5, 2008 at 8:45 am  Leave a Comment  
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8/4/08: SWAMPED

Dear Dick Wolf:

Just want to let you know that I haven’t forgotten about you, or my mission to entertain and astound you with my stellar blogging skills to the point that you feel compelled to cast me on your show, simply because I’d be so much fun on set (and once on set, of course you’d see that I have the chops you require. Have I ever mentioned that I have an acting degree? I have an acting degree. And a psychology degree because, you know, they go hand in hand. Actually, I got the psych degree when I was contemplating studying dramatherapy at NYU. However, the counseling course I took in order to obtain said degree ruined me. I realized I had no desire to listen to people’s problems for a living. I have too many of my own to complain to myself about. But I parenthetically digress…) I’ve simply been out of my head swamped. Friend had a baby, another friend in town from Australia, I even pulled kidsitting duty for a 3-year-old and a 5-year-old at 6 a.m. yesterday morning. Oh, and I had to go see The Dark Knight again (still awesome), and I set two of my friends up on a blind date and had to tag along (it went reeeeally well, btw). Then of course those silly margaritas have been summoning me at all hours. It gets exhausting.

So anyway, it’s not you – it’s me. I still adore you and want to be on your show. I will get my act together and write more soon. In the meantime, here’s a page from the Dumb & Disorderly files. Enjoy.

Nude Intruder Caught in ‘Sting’

A nude intruder fell for a police sting when they chased him out of a swimming pool straight into a hedge of nettles.

The skinny-dipping swimmer and his pals had broken into a pool in Dueren, western Germany, for a midnight plunge when police arrived.

“They were driven out by the officers and they all went separate ways and then one of them jumped over a wall straight into a hedge of nettles.

“The officers just followed the sound of the screaming,” a police spokesman said.

Published in: on August 4, 2008 at 8:21 am  Leave a Comment  
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