7/22/08: An Open Letter to God

Dear Dick Wolf:

I owe you an apology. I placed an unfair amount of pressure on you by asking that you put me on Law & Order so I can get Sam Rockwell’s attention, meet him, marry him and breed with him, thus saving me from the chaotic ordeal of getting my eggs frozen. Shame on me. You are not responsible for my personal life (although I do believe it would vastly improve if I were on your payroll). Therefore, please allow me to use this blog to enlist the help of someone else. Someone who has almost as much power as you have…God.

You see, when I was a love-crazed teen, I made this pact with him. And I believe this pact is what continues to hinder my personal life to this day. Now, I’ve asked God time and again to let me out of this agreement, but I don’t think he’s heard my pleas. So, perhaps if I put my request in writing, he might stumble upon it as he’s perusing the Internet in his down time.

Thank you for allowing me to use this platform. Hopefully it will alleviate the stress my last post must have caused you.


Dear God:

For starters, please don’t be mad at me for wanting to be a Buddhist. It’s nothing personal. However, that’s not why I’m writing…

Remember when I was 15-years-old and I told you that if you promised to make Kirk Cameron my husband someday, that I’d forfeit all other chances at romantic happiness in the meantime? Well, I’d like to dissolve that contract.

Look, I know you and Kirk are very close. It’s just that, well, he and I have grown apart. He’s not the same person he was back when I was a kid, belting “I Got My Mind Set On You” into my hairbrush while gazing at his life-size poster on my bedroom wall.

Or maybe he is. Maybe he was secretly running orphanages and spreading your word between seasons of Growing Pains. If that’s the case, I’m sure you’re very proud. You should be. But let’s be honest, God. You know me. I’m not exactly the missionary type, no pun intended. I like the bad boys, what can I say? I figure you won’t fault me too much since you created them and all. That and the whole “love thy neighbor” thing.

I now realize that it wasn’t Kirk Cameron I was in love with at all, it was Mike Seaver. He was the fun one. Kirk was merely the vessel. So, I’m hoping I can get off on a technicality. Besides, Kirk seems to have a pretty good life now. He’s doing devout things. In fact, you probably have a place all picked out for him in Heaven when he crosses over. I’d just be a bad influence on him during the remainder of his stay here on Earth, and I’d hate to be his roadblock to eternal salvation.

So how about this: You take Kirk, and I’ll take Sam Rockwell. Or whichever tattooed, aggressive, emotionally scarred roughneck you see fit to throw my way. Deal?

Thank you, God. I’ll try not to sin anymore.

Published in: on July 22, 2008 at 8:15 pm  Comments (1)  
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  1. I was once reminded by myself that amongst all my plea’s, You cannot bargain chip or sell something that was never ours in the first place…..YEees your Soul….Something that you have an abundance of….Why, you would make the godfather of soul James Fricken Brown look soul-less ( is that a word?)…And a Black man without soul my dear is Fricken Impossible.
    I had also studied in American Constitutional Law a little term known as Breach of Contract….Which as I am told from the man upstairs my dear you are in fault of…….O.K. just kidding I really dont talk to God he just talks to me…..Or through me er something like that…
    O.k. Bottom line, I’ll help you get Sam Rockwell if you help me get Drew Barrymore A.K.A the Drewster?….. I will Pinky swear w/ a blood oath aswell as a spit palmed handshake…..So there ya have it. Think about it and we’ll make a date….

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