7/28/08: The Five Rules of Pseudocide

Dear Dick Wolf:

I learned something today: Faking your own death is called pseudocide. You probably knew this. I don’t have every Law & Order episode committed to memory, but I’m sure the subject matter has come up a time or two.

Anyway, a British man and his wife, John and Anne Darwin, were each sentenced last week to more than six years in prison for faking his death in 2002 (a canoeing accident) so they could collect around $400,000 in insurance payouts. You may have read about him in the news last December, when he walked into a London police station and turned himself in, telling authorities, “{Errr} I think I might be a missing person {derp}.” In fact, you may have already ripped his story from the headlines and I didn’t catch the episode. Stop me if that’s the case…

No? OK good.

Well, Mr. Darwin claimed to have no recollection of the five years he’d been missing-slash-dead. BIG FAT LIE! He’d actually been living at home with his wife for the majority of the time (although he did manage to score a girlfriend on the side). His scheme was going pretty well – his own sons didn’t even know he was alive. But police became suspicious last year after one of his wife’s colleagues overheard a phone conversation between the two of them and reported it. Shortly after that, Mr. Darwin miraculously returned from the dead. Then, just a few days later, a photo of him and his wife surfaced that had been taken a year earlier in Panama. Some curious soul had typed the words “John” “Anne” and “Panama” into Google images – and this came up:

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Published in: on July 28, 2008 at 10:39 pm  Comments (4)  
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7/27/08: Sound Effect Drama!

Dear Dick Wolf:

I thought it was DUHNT DUHNT. This says it’s DOINK DOINK:

I’m so confused. I’ve listened to it 83,000 times and I just don’t hear the “oink” part. My head is pounding. I need Tylenol. If you could clarify, that would be great.

Thank you. Amen.

P.S. That “All Things Law & Order” site is genius. You should check it out.

Published in: on July 27, 2008 at 11:52 am  Comments (3)  
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7/22/08: An Open Letter to God

Dear Dick Wolf:

I owe you an apology. I placed an unfair amount of pressure on you by asking that you put me on Law & Order so I can get Sam Rockwell’s attention, meet him, marry him and breed with him, thus saving me from the chaotic ordeal of getting my eggs frozen. Shame on me. You are not responsible for my personal life (although I do believe it would vastly improve if I were on your payroll). Therefore, please allow me to use this blog to enlist the help of someone else. Someone who has almost as much power as you have…God.

You see, when I was a love-crazed teen, I made this pact with him. And I believe this pact is what continues to hinder my personal life to this day. Now, I’ve asked God time and again to let me out of this agreement, but I don’t think he’s heard my pleas. So, perhaps if I put my request in writing, he might stumble upon it as he’s perusing the Internet in his down time.

Thank you for allowing me to use this platform. Hopefully it will alleviate the stress my last post must have caused you.

Amen.

Dear God:

For starters, please don’t be mad at me for wanting to be a Buddhist. It’s nothing personal. However, that’s not why I’m writing…

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Published in: on July 22, 2008 at 8:15 pm  Comments (1)  
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7/16/08: To Freeze or Not To Freeze

I watched the SVU episode last night called “Inconceivable” (good one, writers) in which Janine Turner and her whacked-out husband steal a cryotank of frozen embryos from a fertility clinic as a publicity stunt, with the intention of returning them safely. However, the embryos aren’t returned to the lab in time and they all die. And unfortunately, for some of the women whose eggs were in that tank, it was their last chance at having children…Well, it got me thinking. I’m 27-38 years old, with no potential husband in sight – unless you count Sam Rockwell, but I need to get his attention first which, you know, I could do if I WERE ON LAW & ORDER!!! (cue dead horse beating) So, the gigantic, looming question is – has the time come for me to get my eggs frozen?

I went through this dilemma a couple of years ago. I read an article claiming that those of us in the “Bridget Jones Generation” should be freezing our eggs before it’s too late. Before we look back and realize that our best childbearing years have gone the way of the phone booth. This way, once we get around to having kids, we don’t have to fertilize our dried-up dinosaur eggs the old-fashioned way and risk having three-headed mutant offspring. Instead, we can have our still-old-but-usable eggs fertilized in a lab and implanted back into us, the way nature intended.

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Published in: on July 16, 2008 at 10:39 pm  Leave a Comment  
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7/14/08: ROBBED!

Hmmpf. I guess I should Google Law & Order more often. I wouldn’t be the last to learn these things:

“Law & Order: SVU” Hires New DA

Dick Wolf’s trio of “Law & Order” shows are well-known for their ever-rotating cast changes. And this season will be no different on “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit,” as actress Michaela McManus joins the cast.

The actress will play the show’s newest assistant district attorney…She replaces Diane Neal, whose character was forced out in the season finale due to inappropriate actions…

Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada…

 

Dear Dick Wolf:

DID I MISS MY AUDITION?! But I have my headshot/resume all ready to go! I even shellacked it for you, so you don’t accidentally spill coffee on it or something. How did this happen?? I do not know this McManus woman. I’ve never seen One Tree Hill. Watching your show leaves me limited time to view much else. I do, however, know that you and Mr. Fontana are good buds and a lot of the actors from his show Oz have wound up working in Law & Order land. I can only wonder if having the same last name as Emerald City’s administrator Tim McManus scored this actress a few brownie points. A less direct connection, I realize – but a connection nonetheless.

If that’s the case, I would gladly entertain the idea of changing my last name as a gesture of support for the Wolf/Fontana bond. Here are a few of the Oz related options I’ve come up with:

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Published in: on July 14, 2008 at 8:19 am  Comments (2)  

7/9/08: The Biggest YAY in the History of YAYs!!

Considering my obsession with passion for this show, why for the love of all things Wolf am I JUST NOW FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS?!?!

Jeff Goldblum has joined Law & Order: Criminal Intent, replacing Chris Noth, who is leaving the crime drama after three seasons. Goldblum…will split starring duties with co-lead Vincent D’Onofrio the way D’Onofrio did with Noth. “Jeff’s presence will add a new dimension to an already successful show,” Law & Order chief Dick Wolf said.

Excuse me while I roll my tongue back into my mouth. What a PERFECT choice!! Goldblum is so intriguing and quirky and dreamy and brilliant. Not that I have anything against Noth, but honestly, I never got on board his bus. It’s the only L&O I don’t watch…But that’s all about to change! D’Onofrio one week, Goldblum the other?! Seriously – my life may very well be complete. Well, except for the whole wanting to be on the show thing. And a boyfriend might be nice. And a better nose. Perhaps an avocado tree. One that’s already sprouting fruit though, not the kind I have to nurse for years before it’s guacamole ready. But I digress…

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Published in: on July 9, 2008 at 10:33 pm  Leave a Comment  
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7/8/08: $$$!!

Dear Dick Wolf:

As I was walking to my car this morning, two men in a Porsche Wolf-whistled at me. Just thought I’d mention it in case, you know, you get royalties for that. They apparently have money. Unless they stole the car.

Also, I realize I haven’t written much lately. I’ve been crazybusy. I have, however, started working on my backstory as your new SVU A.D.A. I will post it soon and you can tell me what you think.

Oh, and I celebrated a birthday on Saturday. I am now 27-38. For the record.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on July 8, 2008 at 10:09 am  Leave a Comment  
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7/4/08: Redemption!

Muuwahahaha!

“An entertaining, suspense-filled production, “Dupe” dissects what it means to be both artist and muse, revealing what inspires the creative process…The entire cast gives fine performances. Yates stands out as the skeptical Carol, seemingly suspicious and annoyed, but gradually revealing a darker, manipulative personality.”

Not bad for someone with limited range, no? Take THAT, L.A. Weekly!

Thank you, Mary Mallory from The Tolucan Times. The check is in the mail.

Published in: on July 4, 2008 at 11:13 pm  Leave a Comment  
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7/1/08: “Range”

Dear Dick Wolf:

I’ve been waiting with bated breath for the first review of our play to come out. I was told that someone from L.A. Weekly was in the audience Saturday night. So, I log on to their website today…and there it is – woo-hoo! I’m reading, reading, frowning, reading, snarling, reading some more and then finally, it pops out and hits me like a can of beer between the eyes:

 “…neither Yates nor the markedly lovely Van Beest exhibit much range.”

Hu-?! Wha-?! Bu-?! No range?! ME?! The human mood swing?! Not only that, but I don’t even get a “markedly lovely” plug?? I’m lovely, dammit! AND I have range! Just look:


Ferocious!


Coy!


Shocked!

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Published in: on July 1, 2008 at 11:53 pm  Leave a Comment  
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