6/29/08: Taken Out By The Mob!




A group of stunningly gorgeous people gather for a birthday party. Really – they shouldn’t be allowed to look this good. Even in Hollywood.

The tables are drowning in pizza and red wine. An intense conversation is underway.

GINA: “No it’s not. It’s more guttural. DUHNT DUHNT.”
RACHEL: “No way. It’s not that low.”
GINA: “Look, I watch the damn show every day. I’m telling you, it’s DUHNT DUHNT.”
SEAN: “Gina’s right.”
RACHEL: “Oh who cares anyway! It’s a stupid sound effect.”
GINA: “STUPID SOUND EFFECT?! Are you kidding me?! It starts the whole show! It’s, like, the most important sound effect on TV!”

Suddenly, the doors of the restaurant burst open. Three men charge in, wielding big guns. They’re wearing g-strings over their heads to conceal their identities.

MAN #1: “There he is!”


Published in: on June 29, 2008 at 11:44 pm  Comments (1)  
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6/28/08: Opening Night Success!

Dear Dick Wolf:

Wanted to let you know that opening night was great! The audience was superb. There were some slight technical mishaps, but that’s half the fun of live theatre! Good stuff.

Let me know when you’d like to come and I’ll reserve a primo seat for you. My mom will be in the audience next weekend if you’d like to meet her.

Oh, and should Christopher Meloni care to join you, I have a ticket with his name on it. It’s somewhere in my back pocket…He may have to dig around a bit.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on June 28, 2008 at 8:35 am  Leave a Comment  
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6/25/08: Compromise…

Dear Dick Wolf:

I’ve been thinking…Just in case you aren’t feeling the whole me/Meloni romance – I mean, Stabler – I wanted to let you know that I’m good with Bogosian. I mean, Captain Ross.

That’s all.

Oh wait – no it’s not. The play I’m in goes up Friday! I think opening night may already be sold-out, but if you reeeally want to be there, let me know and I’ll pull some strings. If you can’t swing it, there are plenty of other performances from which to choose. Here’s the info:


Looking forward to seeing you!

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on June 25, 2008 at 11:54 pm  Comments (2)  
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6/21/08: When Accessories Attack

Dear Dick Wolf:

Look, don’t freak out, but…I had a dream about you last night. I know, I’m a little weirded out by it, too. It wasn’t that creepy, though.

I was meeting my mom and dad for lunch. As I approached the restaurant, I saw you walking down the sidewalk. I couldn’t believe it! I started to approach you to tell you about this website, but I chickened out. Instead, I detoured to a nearby ATM to get some cash and give myself a “Just say hello to him!” pep talk.

Well, as I was putting my money away, I managed to wrap my wallet completely around my hand and snap it closed. So here I am, sporting wallet-hand. I finally get the nerve to talk to you, and of course, as I introduce myself, I stick out wallet-hand for you to shake. Totally embarrassed, I rip the wallet off and receipts go flying everywhere. So now I’m on the ground, trying to gather my papers together, looking like a colossal dweeb. I manage to cough up, “Hi, Mr. Wolf. I’m a big fan. I love Law & Order!” Not very original, but not bad either in the face of chaos.

That’s pretty much it. I don’t remember what happened next. So, if you had a dream last night that a clumsy fan with a mutant wallet limb accosted you outside an El Torito, now you know why.


Published in: on June 21, 2008 at 11:54 pm  Leave a Comment  
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6/19/08: Ultimate Happiness…And a Chai Tea Latte

Dear Dick Wolf:

Each of us has this idea of what our perfect life would look like. Whom we’d marry, how many kids we’d have (and what we’d name them), the ideal shape of our body, how much money we’d make, who our neighbors would be, the exact dimensions of our walk-in closet…Well, for as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to make a living as an actor. And yes, I’ll admit it, I have the dream of displaying a shiny gold statuette or two on my mantle. Who doesn’t want to be recognized for excelling at his or her passion? Well, that mantle is located in a beach house in Malibu, where I live with my cat Ariel, my pug Elvis, my husband Sam, and my amazing closet.

At least, that was my dream until recently.


Published in: on June 19, 2008 at 11:28 pm  Comments (1)  
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6/17/08: Go, Jack McCoy!!

Dear Dick Wolf:

Please tell Sam Waterston to BREAK A LEG tonight for his opening at the Delacorte Theatre! Polonius – what an AWESOME role!! He’ll be wonderful!! I wish I could see it – GRRRRR!! He will rule.

Did I tell you I directed a production of Hamlet? I did – last year. There’s a DVD of it floating around somewhere. Ophelia’s brother recorded it for us. Not Laertes, I mean the actress who played Ophelia’s brother. If you’d like to see it, let me know and I’ll track him down. We can watch it at my place. I’ll make popcorn. I hope you don’t mind if I invite my mom, too. She lives in Oregon and wasn’t able to see the show.

Anyway, enjoy tonight! I hope you were able to get tickets. Did you camp out? I did a couple of years ago for Mother Courage. It was fun.

Go, Sam!



Published in: on June 17, 2008 at 7:48 am  Leave a Comment  
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6/15/08: Stagebound!

Dear Dick Wolf:

Sorry I haven’t written for a few days. Don’t worry, I’m fine. Just been a tad busy. I did, however, manage to squeeze in a GREAT L&O episode over the weekend. The one with Mandy Patinkin. Oooh – he is soooo fab! Obviously I don’t have to tell you. And what a singer! Have you seen him perform? I’ll bet he’d give you a good deal on concert tickets. He had a performance here a while back but I missed it. I was probably broke. I spend far too much money on booze boots. Cowboy boots. I’m a sucker for them. I have six pairs, including a groovy snakeskin pair I bought in Nashville years ago. They’re super cute.


Published in: on June 15, 2008 at 11:16 pm  Leave a Comment  
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6/11/08: Ripped From a Column On Page 17

Dear Dick Wolf:

Will we be seeing this on an upcoming CI episode? Could create a bit of suspense! Goren and Eames are searching for a kidnapped baby…a superstore employee sees something suspicious, reports it…next thing you know:

Goren: “False alarm. Looks like a burrito.”
Eames: “It’s huge. Chipotle?”
Goren: “That’s my guess.” (Cocking his head to the side, squinting his eyes, studying the burrito.) “There are fingerprints all over this thing. Obviously the woman who tossed it wasn’t too concerned with concealing her identity.”
Eames: “How do you know it was a woman?”
Goren: “Look here.” (Points to the top of the burrito.) “A bite’s been taken out of it. Check out the imprint of the second bicuspid. It’s almost the same size as the first molar. That’s a female characteristic.” (Smells it.) “Also, she smoked a Capri menthol light cigarette around 10 a.m. this morning. No man would be caught dead with one of those.”
Eames: “Think she could be our perp?”
Goren: “Nah. Whoever took that baby wouldn’t leave a trail like this. It’s sloppy.”
Eames: “Well, let’s hope they’ve left something behind.”
Logan: (Enters.) “Hey, have you guys seen Carrie?”
Eames: “Uh…wrong show, dude.”
Logan: “Oh – sorry.” (Exits.)
Goren: “We’re close. I can tell. We’ll find little Molly.”
Eames: “Yeah, I just hope she’s alive when we do.”
Goren: “I don’t get it. Why would someone throw away a perfectly good burrito?”
Eames: “Animal.”


Published in: on June 11, 2008 at 6:46 am  Comments (1)  
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6/9/08: Break Out the Veuve Clicquot!

Dear Dick Wolf:

I have some exciting news to share! Drum roll, please…

Today, DearDickWolf.com hit 1,000 views! That’s right – this website has been viewed 1,000 times! Now, in the blogosphere, that may not seem like a lot, but in terms of marketing L&O to the masses – not too shabby!

(Please disregard the cat hair on my computer screen)

Just thought you’d like to know how I’m helping the cause. Now, if you could return the favor and help my cause, I’m available for an audition at your earliest convenience. I mailed my contact information to your casting directors. They should have it on file.

At the very least, we should celebrate. Give me a call.

Thank you. Amen.


Published in: on June 9, 2008 at 11:55 pm  Leave a Comment  
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6/8/08: Exhibit A: Two Pairs of Women’s Thong Underwear

Dear Dick Wolf:

You’ll be relieved to know that the thong bandits were taken into custody this weekend.

ARVADA, Colorado (AP) — Police in a Colorado town say they’ve caught two “thong bandits” who used women’s underwear to disguise themselves during a convenience store robbery.

Ninteen-year-old Joaquin Rico turned himself in Friday, two days after 24-year-old alleged accomplice Joseph R. Espinoza turned himself in… 

Thank goodness. Now we can go back to sleeping at night. However, I find it disturbing that police didn’t really “catch” the bandits. They turned themselves in.

Umm…they were wearing thongs. Not ski masks, not even bandanas. THONGS. And they managed to elude capture.

I smell a new trend.


Published in: on June 8, 2008 at 11:13 am  Comments (1)  
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6/6/08: I Think I Need a New Cell Phone


OK, I’ve never bothered to play games on my cell phone, so I’m not hip to what’s new. Imagine my surprise (REALLY?!), delight (yay!) and horror (why didn’t I know about this THREE MONTHS AGO?!) when I found out today about Law & Order Celebrity Betrayal!


As you can imagine, upon reading this I’m drunk with excitement. This is good research! I will play the cell phone game and become a law expert! BTW – did you know that in California you don’t even need to go to law school to become a lawyer? You can be an “apprentice” and if you put in enough hours shadowing a real lawyer and picking his/her brain, you can take the bar exam. Obviously I’m not one to discredit the benefit of experience  – see “street cred” posting – but this seems a little odd to me. However, as a California resident, I have decided to take advantage of our unconventional methods. I will shadow Celebrity Betrayal and, upon mastering the game, take the bar. I’ll totally have a leg-up on the 100 bazillion other actresses who want to usurp my L&O gig.


Published in: on June 6, 2008 at 11:36 pm  Leave a Comment  
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6/4/08: From the Dumb & Disorderly Files…

Dear Dick Wolf:

I’m at work. Working. Just so there’s no confusion should my boss stumble across this post in the middle of the workday. I was doing research, for my JOB, and found this in the National Ledger. More material for your sitcom:

The Arvada thong robbers are still on the loose in Colorado. While they certainly seemed like they would belong in the stupid criminals club and might be caught fairly easily due to a disguise that covered very little of their faces, police continue to search for two robbers who wore masks made of women’s thong underwear.  These are the would be pantyhose robbers of the 21st century.


Published in: on June 4, 2008 at 10:52 am  Leave a Comment  
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6/2/08: They’re Coming To Take Me Away, Haha!

Dear Dick Wolf:

The next installment of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is due in four years – 2012. You’re probably well aware of the current handbook, the DSM-IV. Surely B.D. Wong has a copy in his back pocket. Well, here’s my prediction: the DSM-V will feature an exciting new entry – Law & Order Obsessive Disorder (LOOD). It even rhymes. Well, sort-of.

You think I’m joking, don’t you? Ummm – no.

I was talking to my friend John the other day, and he confessed that he had to do something I’ve been considering for quite a while now – get his cable disconnected. Like me, John would sit down to watch an episode of L&O and the next thing he knew, three hours had passed. Or four, maybe even five. He was addicted. He’d tell himself, “Oh, I can stop after one. Really. I don’t have a problem.” But after a while, it became clear. He needed an intervention.

He’s been sober over a year now, but there are many stories like John’s.  


Published in: on June 2, 2008 at 7:13 pm  Comments (1)  
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6/1/08: Nooooo!

Dear Dick Wolf:

Universal Studios is on fire. If you’re in Hollywood today and you’d planned a tour, perhaps you should make other arrangements.

Our acting class is having a BBQ. Let me know if you’d like to join us. Plenty of mojitos.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on June 1, 2008 at 8:20 am  Leave a Comment  
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