5/30/08: Creeps in the ‘hood

Dear Dick Wolf:

If you ever find yourself running low on perp inspiration, allow me to give you a tour of my neighborhood. Here’s an example of what you might see:

8:55 A.M.
I step outside my front door to walk to work (yes, I live that close…yes, I realize how lucky I am).

8:55:05 A.M.
My creepy neighbor opens his front door and watches me. He’s shirtless – again. I can’t remember if I unplugged my curling iron, so I turn to go back into the house and check. Upon seeing me turn back, he retreats into his lair and closes the door…This isn’t the first time he’s done this. Or the second. Or even the 10th. He often feels the need to step out and get a breath of fresh, Los Angeles air as I’m coming or going. Never mind the fact that he has a DECK with plenty of surrounding smoxygen. Nope. He has to scamper onto his doorstep, which is roughly two feet from my doorstep (condos), in order to breathe…At least he wasn’t in his bathrobe this time, like the night he came over to inquire about my television set. Did I get a new one? It seemed a little louder than usual. No, creepy neighbor, it’s the same TV at the same volume it’s been at for the past year. Perhaps you felt the need to come over in your scantily clad shrivelledness because you saw my hot friend Kristen pop by for a visit and you felt pervy. Did you think we would invite you in to watch Casino Royale with us? Wrong. Go back to your chatrooms.

9:03 A.M. 
On my way to work. There’s a woman walking about 20 feet in front of me. Creepy guy #2 is up ahead of us. He’s standing in his yard, leaning OVER his fence. Said fence is the only thing that separates him from the sidewalk. From innocent pedestrians. There’s no reason for him to be doing this. He’s people watching, but in an I-have-Xray-vision-and-I-can-see-your-panties type of way. As the woman in front of me passes him, he looks her up and down. I see a thought bubble form over his head. There’s a picture inside – a pork chop with legs. As I approach him, I mask my disgust with a cheery, “Good morning!” He says nothing, merely grunts. As I walk past, I hear another thought bubble form. I decide not to look.

2:07 P.M.
It’s payday. I embark on my 25 minute walk to Washington Mutual. Mind you, I look like ASS today. Sweat pants, tank top, unwashed hair in a bun. On my way to the bank, a guy in a truck slows down and, not content with your garden-variety wolf whistle, starts making kissy-face noises at me. This goes on for quite some time. When he finally realizes I’m not going to run into the street and stick my tongue down his throat, he speeds off.

2:42 P.M.
On my way back from the bank, I smile at a middle-aged toothless guy as we pass one another. Suddenly I hear, “Hey – do you like Harleys?” “Um – yes…” I reply. “I’m a photographer,” he says, “and you’re the perfect size for this photo shoot I want to do. I have these dresses, you’d look great in them. I’d take pictures of you posing on my Harleys. Pin-up girl style. I’m not a weirdo, I’ve done this before. I take the pictures at my house, it’s a really comfortable environment.” “Uh-huh,” I say. “Well, that’s really nice of you to offer, but I don’t have a lot of free time these days…” Then, in true Hollywood form, toothless guy pulls out a business card. It’s pretty spanky, and even has the word photographer on it. “Here’s my number,” he says. “Give me a call and we’ll talk.” I get back to the office and google him. I find nothing. No website, no photos. But hey – his business cards are sharp.

Oh – and speaking of work, don’t even get me started on the security guard at my office. That guy’s a Law & Order mini-series waiting to happen.

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Published in: on May 30, 2008 at 6:36 pm  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. wow…


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