5/30/08: Creeps in the ‘hood

Dear Dick Wolf:

If you ever find yourself running low on perp inspiration, allow me to give you a tour of my neighborhood. Here’s an example of what you might see:

8:55 A.M.
I step outside my front door to walk to work (yes, I live that close…yes, I realize how lucky I am).

8:55:05 A.M.
My creepy neighbor opens his front door and watches me. He’s shirtless – again. I can’t remember if I unplugged my curling iron, so I turn to go back into the house and check. Upon seeing me turn back, he retreats into his lair and closes the door…This isn’t the first time he’s done this. Or the second. Or even the 10th. He often feels the need to step out and get a breath of fresh, Los Angeles air as I’m coming or going. Never mind the fact that he has a DECK with plenty of surrounding smoxygen. Nope. He has to scamper onto his doorstep, which is roughly two feet from my doorstep (condos), in order to breathe…At least he wasn’t in his bathrobe this time, like the night he came over to inquire about my television set. Did I get a new one? It seemed a little louder than usual. No, creepy neighbor, it’s the same TV at the same volume it’s been at for the past year. Perhaps you felt the need to come over in your scantily clad shrivelledness because you saw my hot friend Kristen pop by for a visit and you felt pervy. Did you think we would invite you in to watch Casino Royale with us? Wrong. Go back to your chatrooms.

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Published in: on May 30, 2008 at 6:36 pm  Comments (1)  
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5/28/08: Courtroom Ready

Dear Dick Wolf:

A gentle reminder…

This:

Plus this:

Equals this:

This is what your TV would look like if it had a face. And I was on it. Uh – your TV, I mean. Not your TV’s face.

Worth at least an audition, right?

Thank you.  I have a batch of cookies with your name on it. Amen.

 

Published in: on May 28, 2008 at 11:59 pm  Leave a Comment  
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5/27/08: Tweet Tweet

Dear Dick Wolf:

I looked for you on Twitter today. You’re not registered.

What is Twitter, you ask? I didn’t know either until last week. My friend Jason turned me on to it – he’s an Internet junkie. He’s having a baby this summer. Well, not literally, like that guy in Portland who used to be a woman. As far as I know, Jason’s always been a guy. And he’s not from Portland…I’m from Portland, actually. It’s a great city, even though our claims to fame aren’t exactly brag-worthy.  Tonya Harding, Bob Packwood, Monica Lewinsky (the college years) – and now pregnant guy. Not that there’s anything wrong with a guy giving birth – it’s kinda cool, if you ask me. But let’s be honest – it’s not the sorta thing you see in a tourist brochure. But I digress…

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Published in: on May 27, 2008 at 9:20 pm  Leave a Comment  
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5/26/08: Character Insights

The USA Network had an SVU marathon over the weekend featuring what they called “character insights.” Snippets from the actors during commercial breaks talking about their characters in general and as they pertained to the episode that was running. I thought my eyeballs were going to fall out of my head – I didn’t leave the house. As an L&O addict, this was obviously terrific. But as an actor – it was priceless. Here are a few things I learned:

Diane Neal’s dad is a federal attorney. She didn’t base her character (Casey Novak) on anyone in particular, but she’s familiar with the legal system. She said Fred Thompson totally reminds her of her dad. She loves him…Yeah, I get that. Fred and I may be at opposite ends of the political spectrum, but hey – he’s Arthur Branch. He rocks. And Neal’s got some spunk to her. They showed the episode where Casey gets beaten up, called “Night” (guest starring the always brilliant Alfred Molina and Angela Lansbury, with a cameo by Bebe Neuwirth…no wonder I can’t get work). It’s always been my favorite for her. She owned that episode. Neal said during the attack scene (cue my martial arts training!) she was only expecting three punches from the actor who played her attacker. So when he threw a fourth, it knocked her out cold. That shot is actually in the episode – it kicks ass. Neal kicks ass. If I weren’t campaigning for her old job, we’d totally be BFFs.

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Published in: on May 26, 2008 at 10:06 pm  Leave a Comment  
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5/23/08: Three Degrees of Separation

Dear Dick Wolf:

I had acting class last night. I study at the Howard Fine Acting Studio in Hollywood – been there for two years now. Well, here’s a cool coinkidink – Christopher Meloni studied there, too! I didn’t know if you were aware of this, he may not have mentioned it on his resume…which you probably didn’t ask for in the first place.

Folklore has it he was a bit of a pill, but I’m going to consider that a necessary facet of his animal magnetism. Now, how long he studied there, and the exact dates of his enrollment, I don’t know. That’s not the point. The point is – mathematically speaking – that makes you and me three degrees of separation from one another. That’s HALF the distance between either of us and Kevin Bacon!

Just thought you’d like to know.

Oh, and in case I haven’t mentioned it lately – please put me on Law & Order. I’m a good actress. I go to class.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on May 23, 2008 at 6:15 pm  Leave a Comment  
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5/21/08: Free Bra!

Dear Dick Wolf:

Would you like a free bra? This just in:

Dear Dick Wolf,

I am a casting director and I would give the bra off my back for Gina.  In fact, I did, the very first time I met her. 

I was crewing on a production of ‘Hair’ in the 90’s and was backstage during intermission.  This crazy redhead ran up to me and said ‘Omigod, could you lend me your bra?!?!  I need a white bra for the next scene!’

Stunned, I said ‘Yeah, sure…’, took it off and gave it to her.  She hastily attached it and ran onstage in time for her cue.

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Published in: on May 21, 2008 at 10:12 pm  Leave a Comment  
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5/20/08: Law & Disorder

Dear Dick Wolf:

Have you thought about developing a comedy spin-off of your highly successful franchise? I mean, let’s face it. There’s a plethora of stupid criminals out there…Case in point:

Farmer faces jail over tractor prank

A Polish farmer is facing jail after he drove his two ton tractor down a set of stairs in a drunken bet.

Tomasz Jankowski, 45, tried to drive his tractor down the city centre steps in the middle of a town square in Tczew in north west Poland after drinking with friends.

He said: “After a few vodkas the staircase seemed a lot wider than it really was and nowhere near as steep.”

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Published in: on May 20, 2008 at 10:23 pm  Leave a Comment  
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5/19/08: SCOTUS

Dear Dick Wolf:

I came across something today you might enjoy – the Supreme Court wire! Courtesy of the Las Vegas Sun.

Thomas: “Hey guys, look! Angelina Jolie just walked in. Right on!”
Roberts: “Whoa! Hey, that looks like the dress she wore to the UN gala last year, only, you know, maternity style.”
Thomas: “Nah, that was a little Dolce & Gabbana number. This one looks more like Emanuel Ungaro. He’s one of her faves, man.”
Scalia: “Brad’s not with her. You think they’re having problems?”
Roberts: “I wish. He’s probably watching the kids. Man they’ve got a lot of mouths to feed. You know she’s got twins in there, right?”
Thomas: “Yeah, Jack Black outed her. But it’s not like we didn’t already know.”
Scalia: “Hey – you think she’ll take a picture with us?!”
Roberts: “I don’t know, go ask her!”
Scalia: “You ask her, man. You’re Chief!”
Thomas: “Damn she’s huge! But, proportionate, you know.”
Stevens: “Mmmmmm.”
Alito: (to himself) “Try not to look…try not to look…”
Bader Ginsburg: (to herself) “Try not to look…try not to look…”

Published in: on May 19, 2008 at 9:13 pm  Comments (1)  
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5/18/08: Street Cred

Dear Dick Wolf:

Ok, let’s face it – my IMDB resume isn’t exactly impressive. Virtually non-existent is a better description. So, in lieu of my lack of film & TV credits (notice how I used the ampersand there instead of the word “and” – just like you do for Law & Order), I’ve added an exciting new page. It’s called, “What others are saying about me!” It’s in the column to your right, at the top of the page. These are testimonials from people who have seen me on stage, worked with me in class, directed me, performed with me, drank with me, stalked me and/or given birth to me. If you have any hesitation about hiring me because of the IMDB thing, hopefully their words will quell that.

I will continue to update this page as the glowing reviews roll in. Feel free to bookmark it.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on May 18, 2008 at 11:51 pm  Comments (2)  
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5/17/08: Getting Ready For My Fight Scene!

Dear Dick Wolf:

I just finished working out. I feel I should be in top form when you hire me. Who knows, as your new SVU A.D.A., you may have me doing my own stunts. I realize the position isn’t physically demanding in general, but you never know. What if I’m arguing a case in court and the defendant tries to attack me? I could seriously take him out. My trainer Preston (he’s cool, you’d like him) has been teaching me boxing and martial arts. You know, like how to bend someone’s hand just the right way to make him beg for mercy. Or how to get out of a choke hold. It’s pretty handy stuff. I’m still new at it, but I’ll teach you if you like.

Oh, and I want to send you some updated headshots, but I can’t seem to find your address online. Could you send it to me via MySpace? I friend-requested you. I didn’t know you were into Bruce Springsteen! So am I. Maybe I’ll throw a mix CD in with those headshots…if I can figure out how to use my burner.

Anyway, I look forward to your message.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on May 17, 2008 at 4:10 pm  Leave a Comment  
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5/16/08: Casey’s Out?! That’s My Gig!

So I finally watched the season finale of SVU after I got home from class last night. New guy Lake (Adam Beach) killed someone in cold blood at the end (granted, the victim was a crooked cop rapist and I didn’t exactly bust a tear) and got hauled off…Casey (Diane Neal) lied about some DNA evidence and is being suspended indefinitely…and Fin (Ice T, yo) put in for a transfer because Elliot pissed him off one time too many. I thought, what the hell?! Are they cutting my frien…uh, the actors? So I googled and found this:

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Published in: on May 16, 2008 at 10:27 pm  Leave a Comment  
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5/13/08: Addiction Is Hard, Y’all.

There are a lot of exciting addictions out there from which to choose. Booze, drugs, gambling, porn, chocolate. We all have something we can’t live without. And whereas I enjoy my fair share of one or two of the aforementioned vices, I have an addiction that’s far more potent than any of them. And I have one man to thank for it – Dick Wolf. I got home at 6:45 this evening and caught the last 15 minutes of a Law & Order episode. It’s now 10:05 p.m. and, counting that one, I’m on my 5th. Hang on, commercial break is over…

OK, back for a few minutes. I don’t know how this addiction started. Oh, wait a minute – yes I do. I got cable a little over a year ago. I’d never had cable. There are about 1,000 channels in my package which, oddly enough, the cable company considers “basic.” And not only did I get cable, but also something I thought was a good idea at the time – a DVR. I have class on Thursday nights and was missing episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, so I opted for a recorder. This was I could go to class AND watch a fave show – BRILLIANT! But then recording Grey’s evolved into recording Grey’s and Nip/Tuck. And Private Practice. And Pushing Daisies. And South Park reruns. And of course, Law & Order: SVU. And being able to watch SVU with the touch of a button, whenever I wanted, just got me a little too giddy. Oops – hang on…

OK, another break. So anyway, as much as it may sound like it, I’m not addicted to television per se. Yeah, I watch the other shows, but with Law & Order, it’s morphed into a viewing obsession. I admit it, but I’m not entirely to blame. Both TNT and the USA Network run the franchise as if they own stock. So although I’m weak, it’s not my fault. These networks have turned me into an addict. I was normal before I got cable. I went to the gym. I read books. I talked on the phone. But now, I lie on the floor in front of the TV, watching L&O. And not just because I want to have Christopher Meloni’s love child. I watch them ALL. The Original, SVU, Criminal Intent

OK, a few more minutes. The episodes tonight were FANTASTIC, btw. I even busted a tear. I can’t remember why – something made me emotional. It was probably Benson. She’s brilliant. Sure, she’s a tough chick, but there’s this wounded side to her that draws you in. Totally mesmerizing…And DAMN, Meloni is a hell of an actor, and I’m not just saying that because of the love child thing. He has this brooding anger that makes you believe you’d feel pretty darn special if he let you in. Oh, to be let in…Yeah, yeah, I realize he’s married, but I can fantasize. It’s the price you pay for being a celeb. People have free reign over programming you into their psyche. Clothing optional…Oh wait, I was talking about his acting prowess. Need more proof? One word – Oz. Well, I’ve never actually seen it, but there are some great scenes on YouTube. You don’t even need sound.

Oh thank God. It’s 11 p.m. and the marathon is over. I can sleep now.

Dear Dick Wolf:

Please put me on Law & Order. Did I mention I’m an actress? I’m an actress. And I’m good. For reals.

Thank you. Amen.

Published in: on May 13, 2008 at 11:06 pm  Leave a Comment  
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